Entreat Me Not

Beautiful Dead or Alive...

2012-02-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

What is one thing in our world that is beautiful both when it is dead and when it is alive? Flowers! this just popped unto my head today: flowers are gorgeous when they are fresh and alive, and they are lovely and full of memories when they are dead, dried up and tucked away.

May I encourage you today, no matter where you are at, by saying that in God's eyes, your heart is like a beautiful flower: whether it is dried up and emptied of faith, or it is blooming with fresh life and hope in Him, He loves it! He loves your heart just the way it is. I speak from experience because He is still near to my heart, even on days when it is far from Him and should be repulsive to Him.

I have not written in awhile and honestly, do not have a lot to write, but my dried up, weary heart, is beginning to bloom again with fresh life. Our hearts were designed to go through these seasons of ups and downs, and our loving Father surely does not give us more than we can handle (even though it feels like that sometimes). Perhaps if I prayed and relinquished some of the weight to him, I would have to carry less and less of the things that crush my heart.

Jesus said: "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:29-30

I Am Valuable

2012-01-11T19:40:00.000-08:00

I forgot that I am valuable. Have you ever done this? Perhaps you have never even thought that you are valuable. From a young age, maybe, the idea of being valuable was stripped from you. Or maybe even at an older age. I just read a beautiful piece of writing and this woman wrote all these very real things about herself and then at the end of each one, she wrote these three words: "I am valuable." I am going to do this, and I think you should too. The verse in God's Word that should implant this truth deeply into our hearts is Luke 12:7:

"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered..." God has counted each one and He keeps track of them just like He keeps track of you. And it breaks His heart everyday when you believe that lie that is propagated by this world: that whispers "you are not valuable." You are, so please join me in doing this. Read mine and then write your own in a journal, or post some thoughts here if you feel comfortable. This is not going to be easy to do, because I also forgot how much I used to love writing, but I am going to try:

I am valuable

I have been biting my nails since I was five
I am valuable

I am very impatient, very, very impatient
I am valuable

I run a lot
I am valuable

I love sitting in the sun
I am valuable

I have an incurable disability
I am valuable

My left side will never be as strong as my right
I am valuable

I almost died twice
I am valuable

I get angry and curse in my head (frequently)
I am valuable

I love to sing, and can reach ridiculously high notes
I am valuable

I despise olives
I am valuable

I have many goals I have never reached
I am valuable

I have many goals yet to reach
I am valuable

I am extremely driven
I am valuable

I have had my heart broken, in multiple ways
I am valuable

Sometimes I only think about myself and no one else
I am valuable

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep
I am valuable

I don't like my thighs or my feet
I am valuable

I like my hair and my eyelashes
I am valuable

I interrupt people a lot
I am valuable

The Son of God loved me and gave Himself for me
I am valuable.

2011-08-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

My One Hundredth and Last Post

2011-07-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

I am about to embark on an 11 month Degree that is going to consume a great deal of my time (and also mark the end of my University Career). So this will be my last post for the next year. Unsure of what to write this morning, I decided to glance back over my previous posts; things I had said and forgotten about.

One Hundred posts ago it was my desire to point you to the heart of God, to His Son the Lord Jesus Christ. This morning the things that He prompted me to write in the past have pointed my own heart there as well. Here's a few snippets that you may remember, or perhaps forgotten) as well:

"Everything I have sought in this world, apart from the love of the Lord Jesus Christ, has left me cold. Every time I have strayed from my faith in Him, I have felt empty."

"Other people like to offer their opinions and their advice when your world is caving in; the gentle Lord Jesus simply offers you his Heart."

"Jesus is the only one who can look at your heart and say: it's alright if you've done it all wrong, because He's the only one who gave His life to make it right again."

"God’s heart is broken daily by the fact that He gave us Son so that we might have peace, yet we reject His self sacrificial love and say: that’s okay; I’ll find peace some other way..."

"Perhaps He was suggesting that a real man just dying to love her, was standing right in front of her. As a matter of fact, He was suggesting this, because soon after He would die on a cross for her. For His love of her, for His love of you, for His love of me."

"But His name is a lovely name. A name that endured more pain and suffering then you will ever be able to comprehend in your entire lifetime."

"I will always bring you back to the only man who will never cause you pain, instead He will endure it all with you..."

"I am lovely because I am deeply loved and pursed daily by the One who Rescued me from myself."

"Even though you may reject Jesus Christ in your life, He can't help but keep on loving you. Believe me, He'll pursue you until you fall in love with Him."

"When you allow the one who Created your heart to start untying the knots that you have put there, and that have built up over the years, the process is painful"

"God can certainly handle my questions...I am often prone to being of little faith, so I pester Him ALL the time."

"I then said "I'm not religious, but I do have a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ."

"I would slowly realize that if I could learn to trust Him and stop building my opinions of Him based on others, He would transform my heart."

"Jesus does not ask you to clean yourself up, fix your hair, put on your make-up and shove all your messes under the rug before He knocks on your heart's door. He just wants you to allow Him to come in and fill that void in your heart that you have been trying to fill for so long that only His selfless, unconditional, everlasting love can fill."

"Matthew 10:30 says '...and even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.' I wept the first time I read that verse."

"I know how it feels to be scared to let someone in, but please don't try and hide from Jesus. He wants to be your hiding place instead."

"We were created to live passionate, beautiful, purposeful lives, yet so many of us settle for so much less."

"I was born with a Heart Disability...A heart that rejected God and wanted to go its own way."

"That was me, whether I liked it or not, I needed Jesus..."

Breaking Inside

2011-07-24T05:04:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you're breaking inside?

I apologize for the lack of uplifting words this morning.

I was talking to a friend the other day who said:

"when you get hit in the face with a soccer ball over and over again, you start putting your hands up."

When you get the wind knocked out of you enough times, your insides feel like they are crumbling.

Maybe that's my problem, maybe I keep putting my hands up and blocking God because I'm scared of breaking inside again.

Yet He is the only One who has ever put me back together.

"...a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:17

My Morning Miracle

2011-07-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

"Benson"

This guy right here on the left is my morning miracle. When is the last time you woke up early in the morning, ran through the kitchen in your pj's, burst through the back door and rolled around in the fresh dew of the morning grass?

My puppy does this every morning. I call him my "puppy" but you can tell from the white on his face that he is actually getting quite old. His age doesn't stop him (nor does the Arthritis in his hip), he STILL knocks me out of the way while rushing as fast as he can to hit the morning grass and roll.

Don't worry, I'm not going to say: "stop reading this right now and get rolling!" For those of you with allergies, I don't think rolling around in the grass would be what the Doctor ordered (but if you are desperate to try perhaps you could wear your one piece PJ's, a nose plug and a swim cap! just a suggestion).

Sometimes I wonder how different my days would be if I took a few rolling lessons from Benson.

He appreciates the morning and thanks God for each day, in the small way that he can, often more than I do.

Do you ever step outside and thank Him for the immediate blessings around you? Despite the weather do you thank Him for the sky, the trees, the sun, the grass...Sounds like something a child would do, but sometimes I think we all need a bit more of the child that is buried deep within us to let out some unhindered giggles, wiggles and praises, with no thought to who might be watching. To roll around once in a while without fear of grass stains and deadlines that you may miss if you took a few extra minutes to really appreciate another day.

No matter how bad his previous day was, or how tired he is from not getting a good nights sleep, I've watched Benson pick himself up on all fours, waddle his bum out the door and roll. I have to go because he's after me right now to let him outside! (Bedhead, big yawns and all!)

"O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is; To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth praise thee with joyful lips: shall When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice . 8 My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me..."
-Psalm 63:1-8

Oh, To Be Understood

2011-07-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

A dear friend keeps giving me ideas and prompting me to write and she doesn't even know it! (If you're reading this you will soon know who you are). I haven't written much lately, and for that I apologize.

It stems from the fact that I have not taken much time to be still lately either. The beautiful thing about running around in circles is that eventually you gotta SLOW down...

And oh the sweet relief when you do.

I absolutely love the way that Hagar, (a pregnant, rejected, despised, abused, Egyptian woman slave lost in the wilderness) addresses God in Genesis 16:13:

She says: "Thou God seest me..." or "You are the God who sees me."

I'm certain that there were times when Hagar did not believe that God saw her, that He paid any attention to her or that He even cared.

I'm sure there are times she believed that He just did not understand the pain and rejection that she had been through.

I would like to consider the words of my dear friend mentioned earlier who said:

"I think one of our greatest desires as women is to be understood and we have the lie from the enemy that it won't matter to speak to the Lord- but He is the only one who understands fully- so He is the only one that has the ability to view us objectively."

Not only does He understand your situation: but He sees it in plain view and most likely in a more painful way than you do, because He looks straight into your heart. All the way down into the depths of it. All those things that you wish your parent understood, your friend, your spouse, etc...He understands and He sees.

The Bible says that when Jesus was on earth He was "...moved with compassion..."(Mark 1:41) by the things that He saw. He gravitated toward the hurting people, not just those whose hurts were exposed, but whose hurts were hidden.

He sees the hidden parts of your worn out heart. Give them to Him. We've all given bits and pieces of ourselves to everyone else. Why not surrender them to the one who understands the pieces fully and knows how to rearrange them with His beautiful plan and purpose, in His time.

"Right now all I can say is Lord, how long? Before you come and take away this aching. This night of weeping seems to have no end. But when the morning light breaks through, we’ll open up our eyes:

And SEE, its everything He said that it would be, and even better than we would believe..." (S. C. Chapman)

Directional IQ Of a Peanut

2011-07-20T04:54:00.000-07:00

There are some things I have trouble admitting, but this one is a known fact: I have the directional IO of a peanut.

It's sad really.

People come visit me and I get them lost, so THEY have to find their way around (not on purpose, mind you). I even mess up Google Map directions: you know, the ones that's point out everything step by step so that even a 2 year old could point you in the right direction!

Not me.

After living in a new city for not very long I was in a car with a group of people from "away" (as we say on the Island). One of them said something to the effect of "don't worry, Kali's from here, she'll know where to go."

I hoped with all my might that he was kidding...

First of all I was not "from" there and second of all I did not know how to get to where we wanted to go.

One thing I can't stand however, is when you are with someone stubborn who REFUSES to stop and ask for directions. I'm not like that, I'm so used to asking that it doesn't bother me at all. I can't tell you the amount of times I've walked into gas stations, convenience stores, etc...and people have so graciously drawn out little maps for me (which I then hand over to the stubborn person who said "...you go in and ask them.")

There is Someone who always knows exactly where we are going in life. He asks us, tells us, pleads with us to ask Him. The inspiration for this post came the other night when I received the answer to a silent prayer I uttered a long time ago that I didn't think He heard.

Praise the Lord that He listens, that He hears and that He knows which way to go.

Have you stopped and asked your Heavenly Father for directions today? Sometimes other people's directions won't get you to your destinations and I am certain that more often than not your own feelings and emotions won't get you there.

Take a moment to stop and ask.

It may just change your life. And if your life doesn't change, it may just change your perspective.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord..."

Psalm 139: 1-4

"But He knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." -Job 23:10

All of the Words...

2011-07-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how some women can express in six words something that I would have trouble articulating in six thousand! If you're anything like me, it takes you forever to dig deep sometimes and get to the point.

Countless times I've had a venting session with someone and they have said: "...just say it Kali!" Because everything else I rambled off was fluff and was only running circles around what I was really trying to say...

Sound familiar?

I received a beautifully honest message the other night. The woman in this message articulated something that I have had trouble saying. But unlike me, she just said it! It was right there on the screen in six words:

"I find no comfort in prayer..."

Her words hit me hard. And I turned them over in my head for a long time until I eventually surrendered my self-righteous attitude and agreed:

"Neither do I." (I am thankful that she did most of the work because I only had to use the previous three words to express how I have been feeling, as opposed to three thousand!

But after saying to myself "neither do I," I had to ask myself:

"Why?"

Here's the honest, blunt only-ten-word answer...perhaps you can relate:

I have trained myself to take comfort in other things.

Like what:
-Talking/venting to other people (instead of bringing the deepest parts of my heart to the Lord.)
-Music (Really REALLY loud music).
-Entertainment (loosing myself in books and movies).
-Running (until I can't feel anything that hurts).
-Lifting weights (LOVE It!)
-Food (cookies cure everything right?)
-Sleeping (curling up and putting on a "out of order" sign for awhile.)
-Succeeding (doing whatever I can to add my to my plate, achieving more).

It's not a wonder I can't find comfort in prayer with so many other tangible things to distract me.

These are just a few common ones. Any of these sound like you? I'm not saying these things are bad in and of themselves. I enjoy each and every one of them (to an extent).

But these alone do not bring me the true joy and peace, that my stubborn heart knows can only be found at His feet.

It takes effort to find comfort in a place that has become full of dust and cobwebs.

It takes effort on my part to give Him full access to my heart.

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28.

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 31:25.

"How do I speak of the indescribable to You
I will try to explain these feelings that are true
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe. All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship. I worship You..." (Kutless Lyrics)

I've Fallen In Love...

2011-07-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

I've fallen in love with feeling nothing.

It's bizarre isn't it?

I shut out people who make me feel something,

Anything.

I think that this is a reflection of why I so often shut God out.

He makes me feel...

Love, joy, beauty, peace, serenity.

The way others have made me feel

(or the way I have made myself feel),

should never cast a shadow

on the way Jesus makes me feel.

For without Him I am nothing (John 15:5)

But with Him I am something.

My heart cry is to know my Creator,

My daily cry is that knowing Him, can wait...

Until another day.

For this day I'd rather feel nothing,

because it's easier and it doesn't hurt.

For even good feelings hurt sometimes:

They hurt because you are afraid to lose them,

and afraid that you will never feel them again.

Faith in Jesus Christ is not based on my feelings,

It's based on His actions, His love.

What He bore for me at Calvary I will never understand.

I can never repay.
(Oh the depth of love He must feel for me!)

When my mind can't see Him in my circumstances,

My heart clings to the feeling of Him.

The feeling of His Love.

For if I do not Love, I am nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:2)

"You could feel things or you could find a way to shut down. But once you were feeling things, you couldn’t decide exactly what to feel. That was the trouble with letting them in at all. They made a mess of the place."
-Anne Brashares

"And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..."
-Ephesians 3:19-20

Laugh Lines!

2011-07-15T05:10:00.000-07:00

Experts say that adults laugh on average four times a day while children, on the other hand, laugh two-hundred times! I was reading a portion of a book by Phil Callaway this morning when he said "where did we lose 196 laughs day?" He got me thinking...

Relaxing in the tub after a long day at work, I was trying to think of the moments in my life when I laughed so hard my belly hurt. What's funny to me may not be funny to you but one moment that stood out in my mind was when a friend was telling me about her ex-boyfriend and describing the day that he told her he did not know that you were supposed to wash your belly-button! (I can't believe she didn't marry the guy...)

I continued on (while turning into a prune in the tub) to read some of Callaway's quotes from Sunday School children. He said: "our children aren't always learning what we think they are learning in Sunday school..." I liked this one:

"The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

I also laughed one Sunday when I asked my Sunday School class to tell me something kids can do that their parents can't do. One little fireball piped up and said "We can BEND more!"

Sigh.

***

One day at work I was told about a young musician who decided to rent the Theatre and put on his own show. His Dad was his manager and they both figured the place would be sold out (despite the fact that nobody knew him in the small town and they had not done ANY advertising or promotions.)

When the day of the show rolled around there were not surprisingly, no tickets sold. Management cautioned the young man and his Dad to cancel...but to no avail.

A little while before showtime two women from out of town showed up at the box office to ask what was playing that night. The staff across the room heard their question and began waving their arms trying to signal the cashier in the Box Office NOT to tell them about the show.

But once again, their efforts were to no avail and both ladies bought a $15 ticket.

When the curtain opened the young man burst out onto the stage and exclaimed "HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING OUT THERE TONIGHT?!"

The amazing thing was that the two women STAYED after the intermission to watch the rest of the show... (I'm guessing that they were firm believers in getting what they paid for.)

If there's anything I'm not scared of getting when I'm older...it's laugh lines! I believe it is beautiful that while we so often only focus on the bad times...God wants us to remember the good times, by giving us lines to remind us of them.

"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." -Zephaniah 3:17

Love You to Pieces

2011-07-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

Most days it amazes me, really, that there is One who not only loves me to pieces but who loves me when I am in pieces.

Ever try to love a broken person? Truth be told it's not easy. You've probably heard the saying "Hurting people hurt other people," and I believe it is also very true that broken people break other people.

Ever try to tidy your life up real nice and present it to God? It's exhausting by times. I've always been a perfectionist type of person (and I know many people who are) and all it does is wear you out.

I remember a time in my life when I determined not to let anything fall apart. I spent every waking moment (it seemed) trying to keep it together. Trying to keep someone else together while keeping myself together.

It just can't be done.

Sometimes we have to fall apart to come alive.

To breathe.

To believe.

To appreciate the Almighty hand that is holding us together when we feel like we should be slipping through His fingers. The One who sees the finished product of each of our individual puzzles called "Life" when all we see are the broken pieces strewn about.

"And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand...." (John 10:28)

"We fall apart just to come alive, a broken heart can shatter all the lies, a brand new start and a goodbye, we fall apart just to come alive..." (B. Norman)

Strawberry White Teeth

2011-07-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

How can something red make something white? I remember thinking this when I saw a health article that called strawberries natural teeth whiteners. The instructions were something like this: Remove stem from strawberry, cut strawberry in half, rub strawberry on teeth. So I tried it a couple summers ago.

I remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a handful of these deep red berries and thinking that if anything was going to happen my teeth would be stained red!

But trust me it works. After a few weeks of using a few strawberries a day on my smile, I noticed a difference. Something in the bright red strawberries actually REMOVES stains from white teeth, leaving them sparkling!

How can something red make something white?

The Word of God says that the [red] blood of Jesus cleanses us [washes us white] from all sin:

"But if we are walking in the light, as he is in the light, we are all united with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son makes us clean from all sin..." 1 John 1:17

God's desire for you and I is to have purified lives. Lives free of guilt, hearts free of stains. It cost Him a great deal to wash us white.

All He asks us to do is believe and receive.

Something red can make something white...in more ways than one!

Perhaps you've tried teeth whitening, what about "life-whitening?"

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son...[for you] (John 3:16)

The Muscle Spindle

2011-07-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

"The Muscle Spindle is a specialized muscle structure whose function is to send proprioceptive information about the muscle to the central nervous system and to respond to a muscle stretching...when a muscle is stretched, so is the muscle spindle.

The muscle spindle records the change in length (and how fast/velocity) and sends a signal to the spine which conveys this information..." (Fitness Theory Manual.)

I found this to be awe-inspiring. I couldn't help it. I'm currently studying to become a certified Personal Trainer and even my Fitness Theory textbook points me to the heart of God, the one who created every fiber of my being.

How can you just read the above information and not jump up and down?!?!

Oh, by the way, in the middle of your muscles there is a spindle that records and sends information to your spine which is then conveyed to your brain to prevent injury...or something like that! All I know is that this knowledge lifted my head out of studying and compelled me to write.

Perhaps you've felt like you have never really mattered to anyone. May I just say that you matter to God. Not in a cliche "oh ya, I know" kind of way. But due to the fact that you yourself are so intricately designed. Just look at a couple muscle diagrams. Look at a diagram of the eye, the brain, your heart, whatever. All that stuff that's literally inside that we hardly take notice of because we are such external people.

Yet He used such great care in creating you.

Some days it's just the little things that renew our faith and cause our hearts and minds to soar to new heights.
I'm at a loss for words...

"You are God in heaven and here am I on earth. So I'll let my words be few: Jesus I am so in love with You. And I'll stand in AWE of you, Yes I'll stand in AWE of you, and I'll let my words be few... (M. Redman)

"Let every thing that has breath praise the LORD..." Psalm 150:6

A Hypocrite's Heart

2011-07-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

I wish that everyday my life matched up with my faith, that my words matched up with my actions, That the things I do gave a pure example of the things I believe and know to be true...

But more often than not, they don't. My mind wanders in one direction while my heart wars to run in another.

Call me a hypocrite? Some days that would be quite accurate. What's the point of sharing a piece of your heart if you can't be honest about it.

One of my favorite speakers once said "God does not have favorites, but He does have intimates." That phrase cut my heart like a knife years ago and still resonates within the deepest part of me today.

The meaning: It is up to me to chose how close (or how far away) I want to be to God. No one can do that for me. Sitting pretty on Sunday can't do that for me. Only I can do that for me.

When I accepted Christ into my heart, the relationship was fresh and new. knowing Him, understanding Him and drawing near to Him was my sole desire.

But I've realized recently that somehow my love for Him has grown a bit stale. I already know He loves me so that's fine...

But is it really?

Why does my love for Him seem stale at times? Because I allow it to wilt. Because other things are more important. Because I've learned to believe in what I can see. I've also learned to live in a world that has no time for God and sometimes I adapt my days accordingly.

Surely He'll be there for me tommorow, next week, next month, next year.

Just a few words from a selfish, hypocritical heart.

"Are You done forgiving, or can You look past my pretending, Lord. I'm so tired of defending what I've become, What have I become...

I hear You say "My love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in between,

The times that you doubt Me, when you can't feel, the times that you question...Is this for real?

The times you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me And the times that you bend

The times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.

The times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.

In times of confusion, in chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heart-ache, I'm there in the storm, in My love I will keep you by My power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been, I'll never forsake you, My love never ends

It never ends..."

(Times Tenth Avenue North.)

"I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself..." (Jeremiah 31:3)

A Heart of Thankfulness

2011-06-30T05:16:00.000-07:00

I often hear people ask "what is God's will for my life?" And When something goes wrong in my own life I often think to myself "this must not have been God's will."

Did you know that there is a verse in Scripture that tells us exactly what His will is for our lives?

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

On days when we don't understand why things go the way they do, why things hurt, why things are difficult...God just asks us to be thankful.

He requires so little of my wayward heart. Be thankful for everything, in all circumstances, He doesn't even require an action just a thankful heart...

Just a little something to think about.

"If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily." -G. Good

"God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" W. A. Ward

Modeling Momma

2011-06-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Momma

Forty-Three things I've learned from the most inspirational and influential woman in my life. Everything I have learned from her, I have also witnessed. Her actions align with her words. She is a rare beauty:

(1) Natural beauty is the best kind (I can't steal from her make-up bag...she doesn't own one!)
(2) Always smell good...always! (even when you don't feel good.)
(3) Female sweat doesn't stink.
(4) Laughing is great for the abs.
(5) Faith. Hold on to it no matter what.
(6) Hugs must be strong enough to squish ya!
(7) It doesn't matter what other people think.
(8) Never use a scale (there has never been one in our bathroom).
(9) It's okay to cry.
(10) It's also okay to be STRONG.
(11) Do something that makes you sweat at least once a day.
(12) Don't dye your hair.
(13) Don't perm your hair (she had some interesting ones!)
(14) High waisted jeans are not the height of fashion.
(15) God answers silent prayers.
(16) You decide what to do with with heartbreak.
(17) Nobody is perfect.
(18) Love your imperfections.
(19) If you feel bad about eating WAY too much chocolate...just brush your teeth! (then it feels like you haven't eaten any!)
(20) Share your mistakes, save a life.
(21) Always look for 50% off stickers.
(22) Go straight to the sale racks!
(23) Smile, even when it hurts because someone else may need to see it.
(24) Chocolate is a nutritious breakfast! (she has a chocolate cupboard).
(25) Constancy is key (be the same at home as you are in public).
(26) Love...always. Love those who hurt you and use you.
(27) 2am is the perfect time to be CRAZY!
(28) Just dance..it'll be okay!
(29) Laugh at yourself.
(30) Tight sunglasses make you sneeze.
(31) It's okay to look bad in pictures.
(32) Don't jump into anything.
(33) ALWAYS think before you speak.
(34) Work on the inside first.
(35) Patience. Even when you have none left.
(36) Unfortunately, you can't trust everyone (not even yourself sometimes).
(37) Trust God, even when He seems so far away.
(38) Everything happens for a reason.
(39) Don't eat "Cheapy Cheesecake" (Go big or go home!)
(40) You can't change other people. You can change how you respond to them.
(41) Beauty comes from brokenness.
(42) Never let anyone make you feel inferior (not even yourself).
(43) Bloom right where you're planted.

Happy 43rd Birthday to my Mom, my sister, my best friend.

"Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come..." -Proverbs 31:25

Don't Miss You At All

2011-06-25T04:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, you caught me... I'm not that great at staying on topic. I've been told I should write a book, the problem? It would probably be one of the least coherent books out there!

Something just hit my heart recently, totally out of the blue, but I wanted to write it down.

I discovered (yes I also made a discovery!) that one of the worst, most empty feelings a person can have is when they miss someone terribly and feel as though the other person doesn't miss them at all. I'm sure you know what I mean. I've felt this on more than one occasion and there is something gut-wrenching about it, something that keeps you up at night.

But then, last night, I thought about this on a whole other level: I make God feel like this all the time. I don't spend time with Him, I don't acknowledge Him in my day to day activities. Sometimes I don't even thank Him for my food before I eat; my excuse...nobody else is doing it.

You might think: "God doesn't need my attention, after all, He is God." And you would be right to a certain extent: He doesn't need it, but He wants it. You know those things called relationships? God invented them. He made you a relational being. That is why we have friends. That is why we are obsessed with how many friends we have or don't have. This is why failed relationships nearly kill us.

But God ultimately created you to have a relationship with Him. What?! (no joke, I'm serious!). The problem: He is Holy, perfect, just, undefiled, separate from sin and we are not. The majority of us live our lives in absolute opposition of anything that would be pleasing to the heart of a loving God.

So what do we do? when we want to get to God, get His attention, we do whatever we can to be "good enough" for Him. But we can't ever be and because of His compassion He doesn't put that expectation on us.

That is why God gave us His son, Jesus. And look what we did (and still do) to Him. God says that the payment for sin is death (Romans 6:23). So what did He do? He payed the price of our sins, Himself, through the death of His Son:

This is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation [payment] for our sins." 1 John 4:10.
Why?
Because He loves you. And if you've been far away from Him for a long time...He misses you.

"You can be a thousand steps away from God, yet it's always only one step back..."
(scribbled in the margin of my Bible).

The Only Way Out...

2011-06-24T04:38:00.000-07:00

I came across the following quote in a book I was reading yesterday:

"The only way out is through..."

I shared it with my brother and he nodded in agreement as well.

So I started strength-training everyday as the Doctor told me too. The problem? I could only do about 10 minutes of mat work before I ended up on the floor in tears because I was in pain. When I would call Dad from my little apartment he would say "you're a fighter Kali,"

"You're a fighter..."

But I had no fight left in me. I needed someone to fight for me. Sometimes it's hard to admit that, but on days when you feel like "if I have to live like this then what's the point?" What do you do?

In my case, despite my lack of desire of even wanting too:

I prayed. Actually no, I cried out to God in a way that I never had before.

Most of us feel like we don't really "need" God...

That is until the bottom falls out of our comfortable lifestyles.

I knew I needed Him, I know I still do and I'm not afraid to admit that now.

Because in some way that I don't understand and even my foot specialist doesn't understand:

When there was no way out, He pulled me through.

It wasn't like I could say "I don't want to do this today, I don't want to lie on the floor crying and sweating."

I had no choice, Doctors Orders.

I also had no choice but to ask for help.

One thing I noted in Scripture at that time is that Jesus simply tells us to ask:

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you..."
(Matthew 7:7.)

I was also intrigued while reading through the New Testament that I kept coming across the word "Palsy." Because I have "Cerebral Palsy" these verses caught my attention and cut to my heart:

"And when Jesus was entered into Capernaum, there came unto him a centurion, beseeching [asking] him,
⁶And saying, Lord, my servant lieth at home sick of the palsy, grievously tormented.
⁷And Jesus saith unto him, I will come and heal him.
⁸The centurion answered and said, Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldest come under my roof: but speak the word only, and my servant shall be healed...
¹⁰When Jesus heard it, He marvelled, and said to them that followed, Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel...
¹³And Jesus said unto the centurion, Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee. And his servant was healed in the selfsame hour."

When I started asking, things started changing, in a way I hadn't expected. I don't want to sound all "Holy" and "Righteous" or anything like that, because only God is worthy of those words. I often feel like the Psalmist who says to God "who am I that you would even think of me?" When I sit here to write, I am thankful more and more each day that God cares about broken people (and stubborn, ungrateful people like me), that He listens. The beautiful thing about this:

Whether we care to admit it or not, we are all broken in some way...

"What is man, that thou art mindful of him...?" (Psalm 8:4)

Coupled with Prayer

2011-06-23T03:16:00.000-07:00

For a long time I didn't want to pray. In all honesty it was because I wasn't getting the answers that I wanted. One particular year I spent almost every evening in prayer and guess what? That year some of the most heart-wrenching events of my life occurred. Actually, that particular year EVERYTHING seemed to go wrong. I remember thinking "BUT God, I prayed about this!" See what I did, I prayed and YOU didn't answer.

I highlighted the "I"s in the last line because there are a lot of them in there. I began to realize that my prayers were ALL about Me, what I wanted for my life. I didn't take much time to consider that maybe the things I was asking for would not have been good for me at the time...and because God was paying attention, HE knew that. I didn't.

But then of course I thought, maybe my atheist friends are right, maybe God is not listening, maybe He's not really there at all and I'm wasting my time. After all, I could be making changes in my life myself instead of falling face down on the floor and waiting for Him to work them out for me. But God does not work like fast food and express mail, He really does desire what's best for us and sometimes what is best takes a LONG time to prepare. Sometimes our hearts must be prepared first so we can understand why He chose "This" for my life and not "That."

In my case why He allowed me to be born with Cerebral palsy in my left side. Why He didn't fix it, after all He could have stopped it couldn't He? I used to ask Him why in the world He wanted me to experience great pain and frustration and even despair for the majority of my young life.

I try to keep these posts short so for today I'll mention one tidbit that I learned from my fight with CP and trying to gain strength in my left side that was never there:

Sometimes prayer requires action. And often action requires prayer, prayer for the strength and endurance to complete whatever action is necessary. As my story unfolds a bit more, you will understand what I mean.

What do you do when you are in excruciating pain and the doctor looks you straight in the face and says that there is NO cure for your pain. There is no medication that will fix it (except for the stuff that numbs the pain or knocks you out and I had already had a long enough battle with those).

I sat with tears streaming on the table in front of her, and then she said something I had never heard before:

"when you have a physical disability the only way you can really counter it is...physically."

That made sense to me but what did that mean? Before I had a chance to ask she answered my question

"Kali, you are going to have to do some form of strength training (muscle building) EVERYDAY for the rest of your life..."

In this kind of pain?? I remember thinking "yeah right!"

"Evening, morning, and at noon, I will cry out in distress. He will hear my voice..." -Psalm 55:17

"Concerning this thing, I begged the Lord three times that it might depart from me. He has said to me, "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me.

-2 Corinthians 12:8-9

A Plug for Pilates

2011-06-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

She suggested I try Pilates.
I gave her a blank stare. I had no idea what Pilates was and I was experiencing way too much pain at the time to attempt something new.

I suggest you try Pilates. I will be talking about this method over the next few days and how Pilates coupled with prayer and perseverance helped save my leg and enabled me to run, climb and do anything else athletic I wanted to; things I dreamed of when the Doctors told me I would never do them, or cautioned me to stay away from because my left side was too weak...

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -1 Corinthians 12:10

"As a heavy rainstorm freshens the water of a sluggish or stagnant stream and whips it into immediate action, so does the Pilates Methods purify the bloodstream." Joseph Pilates

Programmed to Walk Away

2011-06-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

You may wonder why I once titled this Blog "Entreat Me Not..." Why "Entreat?" or perhaps what does "Entreat" mean? you may be asking. After all, it's not really a word we use in everyday conversation.

The word simply means:

to ask a person earnestly for something, to implore them, or even to beg them for something.

To beg them not to walk away and leave.

Ever since the Lord Jesus captured my heart with His love, every day of my life He implores me, asks me, "entreats" me not to leave Him. He does this with His unconditional love. No matter how I feel towards Him or towards life or towards God on any given day, He loves me still. He yearns for me to spend time with Him, to sit at His feet, to open His word, to find my rest in His embrace.

But He also knows that I am programmed to walk away. He knows that you are as well. Romans 3:11 says "there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God..." in the next line it says "they are all gone out of the way..." meaning they go their own way, meaning I go my own way, and you go yours.

The majority of us know how it feels to have someone we love walk away from us. Perhaps a parent, a spouse, a dear friend, a brother, a sister, and the list goes on. What does this do to us? It programs us to walk away. Because if I walk away I hold within myself the power to not allow someone else to hurt me by walking away from me first.

This is why when our hearts are introduced to a loving God who says "I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU..." (Hebrews 13:15) we are immediately skeptical. Life experience has programmed us to say "yeah right," "whatever," and walk in the other direction.

We may be programmed to walk away, but Praise the Lord that in His unfailing love, He is programmed to stay.

"If you fear abandonment, seek Jesus until nothing will ever frighten you again."

-S Arterburn

"...Don't Wanna Be Better..."

2011-06-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes I don't wanna be better, Sometimes I can't be put back together, Sometimes I find it hard to believe, There's someone else who could be, Just as messed up as me..." (Skillet)

I'm not gonna lie, sometimes this is my favorite song. The above lyrics are ones that I used to listen to over and over again about a year ago. This song came on yesterday while I was doing some lifting, and yet again, it got my heart rate up.

It's funny isn't it? How sometimes we'd rather stay stuck in the proverbial rut we are in as opposed to getting out of it, or accepting a helping hand that wants to aid in pulling us out. For example, I know more than a few people (myself included) who at a time in their life were told something by someone who knew better, such as a Doctor, parent, etc...who told them exactly what they needed to fix a problem in their life and they chose not to do it. Why?

Because it was too hard.

Sometimes it's easier to remain stuck where we are then to implement change. Why?

Because complacency is comfortable.

Not sure why I felt compelled to write this today, but maybe you needed to read it. Maybe there are some things you need to change in your life, maybe there are some things I need to change in mine.

"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?"
(Jeremiah 32:27)

"You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go..."
-The Afters

Throwing In the Towel

2011-06-16T03:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know a lot about boxing, but I do know that "throwing in the towel" signals that a fighter can no longer fight. He throws the towel into the spot where the fight is taking place. It only makes sense that the worn out fighter throws the towel in himself right?:

It wouldn't be fair if the other fighter yelled "you look tired, it's done!" and threw the towel in for him, signaling the end of the match.

This action is a choice, the one who throws in the towel makes an end to the match himself. No one does it for him.

(Hopefully I explained that right, because if not, you're probably thinking "okay, she really knows nothing about boxing!)

You're right, I don't. But I do know about wanting to throw in the towel and give up. I'm guessing that you do too, or that you have at some point in your life, or that if you haven't, you will.

I came down with a fun cold/flu a few days ago which turned out to be a blessing. I can only lay in bed and sleep for so long, then I usually start reading. My Bible is always next to my bed and I have a couple of books on the go. After reading a bit I curled up in my blanket with Kleenex in my nose, hobbled over to my closet and started digging out my old journals. One of the first entries I looked at was from about a year ago. At the top I wrote:

"Did you know that this year I really just wanted to throw in the towel?"

I proceeded to tell God how angry I was at Him:

"On Sunday the speaker said that nothing happens by accident...SERIOUSLY?! It's not an accident that I have a physical disability?! And it's not a mistake that YOU planned to make me THIS Way?! To be born with this weakness?! Sometimes I get so angry with YOU. especially right now because I am on medication and I don't want to be...but I don't have a choice because my body can't seem to handle all of this. YOU planned to make me depressed...?!"

I am thankful that during these times I wrote down exactly how I was feeling. I figure there is no point in trying to hide how I'm really feeling from God, He knows my own heart better than I do.

I remember the first time I read Jeremiah 17:9. It confused me at first:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

What??

I read another translation that said: "the heart is a twisted thing..." and another that said "crooked is the heart above all things..."

(I had always thought the heart was a pretty thing, like Valentine's day and those little "Love Heart" candies...but this wasn't sounding good.)

So I looked up the word deceitful: I found the words "misleading...typically on a habitual basis..."

Then it hit me: my own heart has a habit of leading me in the wrong direction. This verse made sense because I could see it so clearly in my past, in choices I had made. Choices based on myself, my feelings. You know the saying "follow your heart..."

I'll warn you to be careful with that one. Especially on days when you want to throw in the towel. Why? Because even though we might think they do, our feelings don't last forever. They're up, they're down, and more often than not they're on a roller coaster. But God promises in His word that He does NOT change. His love and His feelings for you remain the same. They are not up and down, He doesn't love you one minute then despise you the next. You do that to yourself, I do that to myself. But He says:

"For I am the Lord, I change not..." (Malachi 3:6)
"When everything else is changing...You are constant. Lifting my eyes to see far beyond this misery.
I am consumed with You, I can’t live without You, breathe without You, I must confess to You, That I can’t live without You, Breathe without Your love..."
(Building 429)

Skipping Innocence

2011-06-13T02:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that our world frowns upon the word "innocence." Perhaps you know what I mean: children are no longer allowed to be children, they are opened up to and scarred by many things at a young age. Perhaps you were one of those children.

I started thinking about this when I was outside in the sun yesterday with...you guessed it: A SKIPPING ROPE. I'd been doing some research on the health benefits of skipping.

I found that 10 minutes of fast skipping equals half an hour of running. (Seems like a nice alternative for busy, on-the-go people!)

But I ended up skipping for an hour! Why? Not because of the health benefits, but because of the "heart" benefits I noticed it had once I started. I felt like a kid again. I was not that good at it when I was little, but something about it seems to free my heart and lift my spirit.

About a year ago I was sitting in my room, sobbing. I remember saying to my Mom:

"It was so easy to have faith when I was a kid, but now I just don't know."

Often life experience blindsides us and shatters our innocence. Sometimes we feel as though our innocence was taken from us. There is a beautiful song by Brandon Heath that always makes me smile and cry at the same time, in one of the verses the lyrics read:

"And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost..."

It seemed bizarre to me at the time, but the first time I heard these words on my Ipod, I wept. Not just a few tears but the "ugly cry" (thankfully I was by myself!)

Why does the Bible talk about having faith like a child? As each year passes, I'm learning that this is really the ONLY way to have faith at all. Why? Because everyday life does its best to knock it out of us and circumstances crush us. Many of us have gotten to the point where we believe the lie that there is nothing beautiful, nothing sacred left to hold on to.

But a small child doesn't see the world through darkened glasses. Everything is new and exciting. I'm certain that flowers are brighter and the grass is greener on the [younger] side. I love watching babies when they see something or someone new that excites them! Wide eyes and drooly smiles. I've seen the most hardened, angry person, have their expression softened by the giggling of a little one.

So, no...we don't have to be children to have faith, but we simply need to be "like a child." Grown men and women have made things so complicated, religions and belief systems and rituals have made things so complicated. I love the verse in 1 Corinthians 14:33 that says "...God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.." If this is true the WHY in the world has believing in God become so complicated? Perhaps because all this religious confusion was not His idea.

It is all the confusion and hustle bustle and busyness of every day life that keeps us from drawing near to His heart. He states many times in His word that He is not concerned with our sacrifices, our rituals, our good deeds, etc... but perhaps we missed that part.

I'll leave you a few verses to think on, a few verses that changed my heart towards Him:

"For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise..."
Psalm 51:16-17

"For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved." -Romans 10:10

"And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost...
But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love...
all I ever needed is Your love..."
(Brandon Heath)

The Moment I Saw You Cry

2011-06-12T04:12:00.000-07:00

Tears came to her eyes and I didn't know why...but I had a feeling. I noticed that she had been limping a bit while running around with the other campers. She reminded me of myself when I was her age.

I had just finished wrapping up my swelling foot and was about to hide it in my sleeping bag...BUT she caught me! She came back to the cabin early. This little blonde 11 year-old sweetheart came over to my bunk with wide eyes and asked what was wrong with my leg:

"It's just tired," I said,

But she was smart and she wasn't buying it. So she waited for a further explanation. I never talked about my disability at that time in my life. But her eyes were piercing through my heart and I said it. I told her that I have a form of Cerebral Palsy in my left side.

She stared at me, with shock and relief. Tears welling up in her eyes:

I have Cerebral Palsy in my right side...she gasped.

We hugged.

Yesterday I asked the question of why we go through valleys. I don't know what yours is. But I know that every time I have gone through one, God has been faithful to bring someone along my path who is in DESPERATE need of having someone to relate to. To know that they are not alone in their own valley, their own pain, their own struggle.

If you have ever looked at the life of Jesus, you will discover that this is exactly what He has done for you. He endured every kind of torment and pain imaginable so that he could relate to YOU. Hebrews 4:15 says that He was "...touched with the feeling of [your] infirmities." He is a PERSONAL Lord. Jeremiah 23:23 says that He is a God who is close at hand.

My favorite thing about Him, however, is recorded in James 4:8: "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..."

Why do I love this about Him?

First of all because this demonstrates that He is a gentleman, He will not come close to you if you do not want Him to. But if you desire to know Him and draw close to Him, open up your heart to His love and grace, He will in return lavish His love on you...

How? By reassuring you that He UNDERSTANDS. Even when no one else does. Someone once asked me how "Jesus" could possibly understand what they were going through and we talked through a bullet note version of the pain He experienced during His life:

He was hated by the ones he loved (Isaiah 53:3)
He was forsaken by His father (Matthew 27:46)
He was beaten (Isaiah 53:5)
He was humiliated and mocked (Luke 23:39)
He was falsely accused (Luke 23:4)
He Wept (John 11:35)
He experienced unfathomable pain: "And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." Luke 22:44

These are just a few examples, but the list goes on. I used to wonder why God told Moses to tell the people that "I AM" had sent Him, instead of saying that "GOD" had sent him:

"And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM : and he said , Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you." (Exodus 3:14)

There are a few reasons for this, but the one that resonates to the bottom of my heart and shakes the very core of my being is that whatever I need God to be a at certain time in my life, He whispers "I AM." When I need comfort He says "I AM comfort," When I need strength He alone is my strength. The fact that He calls Himself "I AM," reassures my that He is always present in my life. Wherever I am, He is. If I were to cry out and ask if He is there, He says: "I AM."

"I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves.
How many times has he broken that promise?
It has never been done...
Well I never climbed the highest mountain,
but I walked the hill of Calvary...
I've heard it said that a man would swim an ocean
Just to be with the one he loves.
But all of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done...
Well I never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea...

Just to be with you I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay, no
Just to be with you I gave everything
Yes I gave my life away.

And I know that you don't understand the fullness of my love
How I died upon the Cross for your sin
And I know that you don't realize how much that I give you
And I promise I would do it all again..."

Just to Be With You (-Third Day)

Where's Waldo?

2011-06-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

For thus saith the LORD, Ye shall not see wind, neither shall ye see rain; yet that valley shall be filled with water, that ye may drink... -2 King 3:17

Sit back in your computer chair for a second and examine the photo above....

Do you remember those "Where's Waldo?" books. My brother and I used to spend hours trying to find Waldo in the various scenes when we were kids!

If this photo represented your life at this very moment, where would you see yourself?

Are you one of the people walking across the bridge with her head down not seeing the view? (That would be my Mom as she is terrified of bridges!)

Are you the person on the left standing confidently with hands on hips drinking in the beauty of every second on that bridge?

Or perhaps you are the person who cannot be seen in this picture. Perhaps you took a jaunt down the side of the valley, the rocks are too slippery for you to climb up and you are now stuck in water up to your knees! Wading around, waiting for someone to come along, give you a little tug and pull you up. You aren't drowning, you aren't terrified for you life, the water is still and beautiful but no matter where you go along the side of the valley you can't get out on your own.

In a previous post I mentioned going through fire, the painful, gut-wrenching times in our lives. Today I'm thinking about going through valleys. The times of sustained heartache and sorrow that seem never ending. The times when you're walking across a beautiful bridge; thinking you've got your situation conquered, your habit kicked, or whatever the case may be...

But suddenly something or someone comes along and knocks you off your feet and you end up tumbling down the side. Or perhaps, it is not the fault of something or someone, but instead your adventurous side causes you to go your own way, suddenly you trip and and up stuck in valley full of water with no way out...

Why does this happen?

I'll tell you briefly about a valley in my life that was a direct result of something that was not my fault.

It seemed at first to me as though it was the Doctor's fault, and then it seemed like it was God's fault, and then I figured it must have been my fault, that God was punishing me for something.

I have written about my leg before (the one that is directly affected by CP. ) I wrote about the casts and braces that I had for the majority of my childhood, the pain, frustration, etc... But I don't believe I have mentioned this part here:

When I was in Junior high, the Doctors stopped treating my leg, telling me it wouldn't get better, but it wouldn't get worse, to just go on and live life normally. In High School my leg got much worse. I was having a great deal of pain and difficulty walking. I had to be carried from place to place. When I went to see a new Doctor, he reviewed my case and asked:

"When did they stop treating your leg?"

I said when I was in Junior High.

He looked at me with a horrified expression and said:

"Kali, they never should have stopped treating you, you leg has DIGRESSED all these years!"

I'll never forget the look on his face when he said: "You must be in so much pain!" I wanted to scream at him: "ummm...YESSS I am, that's why I'm here!").

Almost 5 years ago now, that is where my valley began. His words knocked me off my feet (literally). I was thrust down the side and into a valley...a long painful, frustrating valley that caused me to question God, to yell at Him and truth be told, even hate Him on the worst days.

Why do things like this, things that are beyond our control happen?

More on this tomorrow...

"As you walk through the valley of the unknown, you will find the footprints of Jesus both in front of you and beside you.” -C. Stanley

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..." -Psalm 23:4

No Carry On?

2011-06-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

The majority of people I know don't like to talk about death, as it has been dubbed a morbid topic; if you look up the word "Morbid" in the dictionary you will find the word "death" there, defined as "an unpleasant subject." But thinking about death, also makes me think more about life, I'll explain why:

I was reading in Second Kings this morning and I came across the passage when Elijah is taken up into Heaven and Elisha is left behind. It was the words of chapter 2:13 that go me thinking about this today:

"He [Elisha] took up also the mantle of Elijah that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Jordan..."

What does this mean? One thing I love about studying Scripture is that it does not have to be some confusing, laborious task. You can simply read it for what it says: Elijah's clothing fell off of him and Elisha picked it up.

Why is this significant? I went back and read it again and was reminded of a verse in 1 Timothy 6:

"For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out." (Verse 7)

When Elijah went to be with the Lord, he could not even take the clothes he had on his back.

Both Job 1:21 and Ecclesiastes 5:15 say that as a man comes into this world with nothing, so he leaves with nothing. This translation of Ecclesiastes 5:15 really hit home with me:

"We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can't take our riches with us."

What is it in life that you are holding on to that keeps you from accepting Jesus Christ, the one who gave His life for you? I guarantee you, that whatever it is, you won't be able to take it with you someday. A man who had everything fame, riches, and has even been given a "god-like" status was asked during his life:

"Mr. Presley, how do you account for the happy, joyous expression you always seem to have on your face?"

Elvis answered, "Because I have to in order to make a living. Inside I'm as lonely as hell."

"Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

"Lord empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you..." -Tenth Avenue North.

Tears and Perfume

2011-06-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

"...and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed His feet and anointed them with the ointment..." -Luke 7:38

Her tears rolled down
off of her cheek
unto His precious feet.

She had not much
to offer Him,
a life lived in defeat.

She poured perfume
precious and rare
while others stopped
to stare.

Tilted her head
and then she wiped
the tears with her hair.

His love for her
could compare
to none other she had known

He gave His life,
His feet were pierced
so He could call her His own.

...So He could call me His own.
His love surpasses any love
that I have ever known.

"...Then turning toward the woman [Jesus] said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much..."
[From Luke 7]

Through the Fire

2011-06-08T05:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I received a lovely card. I opened it up to find these words penned on the inside:

"After sharing with you the days of fire, we praise God that you have come forth as gold."

I am humbled and feel greatly privileged to know the hands behind the pen that wrote this. They are that same hands that held me when I cried out in pain and were always there to pick me up when I was falling.

It has taken me awhile to understand this little four letter word "FIRE." Why is it that some of us have to go through it, while others seem like they live their lives floating around on a care-free cloud?

Truth be told, I have yet to meet someone who has not experienced a time of "fire" in their life. A time of intense pain, agony, grief, distress, loneliness, bitterness, or whatever the case may be.

About a year ago I was interviewing a lady at a Health and Wellness fair for a Journalism assignment. At least, I thought I was interviewing her, I asked her all kinds of questions (that I no longer remember,) but at the end of our conversation she asked me a question that I never forgot:

"If you could go back and change all the pain and other things that you went through, would you? Or would you prefer to be the woman that you are now who has become so much stronger because of those things?"

I gave her a blank stare (Reporters ASK questions...we don't ANSWER them right?)

Then the words just kind of rolled out of my mouth while I was holding back tears:

"No, I wouldn't change it," I said. (I wasn't even sure if I meant it at the time, but I understood then what she was getting at. I was ready to hand my clipboard over to her!)

It is difficult to understand why we go through fire, it is even harder to understand why we go through it and feel as though there was absolutely nothing we did to deserve it.

I used to hate it when people would say to me, "Someday you will be able to help someone else because of all this pain that you are going through."

Okay...first of all (and I'm just being honest) when you're going through fire whether it is physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, that is the LAST thing you want to hear. I remember looking at those people and thinking "man, you really have NO idea..." I know they meant well and they wanted me to look on the bright side, but in the midst of fire all you see are the flames that are consuming you, there is no bright side...

until you come out on the other side.

"If you could go back and change all the pain and other things that you went through, would you? Or would you prefer to be the man/woman that you are now who has become so much stronger because of those things?"

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold." -Job 23:10

"...And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." -1 Kings 19:12

Meanwhile Back at My Heart

2011-06-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a little while and it has been a little busy, but I'm back. My apologies to those of you who have informed me that you read everyday. Now and then I feel it is necessary to keep my thoughts in my own heart as opposed to writing them here.

We all have up and down times and sometimes quietness before God is the best medicine: "...in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength.." (Isaiah 30:15)

I've been pondering over the "heart" for the past little while. I guess because scripture talks a lot about it. It tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), it also tells us to have "undivided" hearts (Ezekiel 11:19; Psalm 86:11), but most importantly it tells us to seek out the heart of God:

Jeremiah 29:13 says: "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." I've been thinking about how beautiful it is that God guarantees our success in finding Him before our search even begins. He simply says "you WILL." He doesn't say you might, you may, or perhaps, or if you're good enough...etc... He just tells us to seek Him, no strings attached.

His word is a great way to understanding His heart. When you are building a relationship with someone you listen to what they say. Your interest may be sparked by that person when you observe how they act. Digging into the life of the Lord Jesus, observing the ways that He treated and interacted with people is a perfect indication of the character of God; for in John 10:30 Jesus says "I and my father are One."

God cries out for us to know Him in such a great way that often He will even put someone in our path to be a reflection of His heart towards us. We must be careful not to base our opinion of who God is on another person, but sometimes God will use another person to be a tangible representation of His love. The more we fall head over heels for the one who says that "...even the very hairs of your head are all numbered (Matthew 10:30)," the more impossible it becomes to keep His love inside. It must be shared.

"No one ever cared for me like Jesus,
He is more than life to me..."
[The words to "No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus" flowed from the broken heart of a man who truly knew and clung to the love of the Saviour. Abandoned by his wife and family, alone and rejected Charles Weigle put pen to paper and this beautiful song was written.]

"Patiently waiting to pick up
The pieces of me
That's You
Healer of hearts
When the world leaves it broken in two
That's You
Maker of heaven
The sky and the sea
When You stretched your arms
You reached for me

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start

Back at my heart
Back at my fear
Back at my brokenness
Lord meet me here
I am exposed
And I'm not afraid anymore..."
N. Grant

When I Am Afraid

2011-05-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the word "fear" is mentioned 365 times in the Bible? I thought that was very suiting: one mention for everyday of the year!

I was praying about this last night, asking why "fear" seems to overwhelm me some days. I felt a tug in my heart and tears on my cheek when I realized that God knows my heart so well, that He understands when I am afraid. He knows why and He knows exactly how much fear and anxiety spins around inside my chest. That is why He lovingly says in His word over and over and over again: "fear not..."

I read one author who said that "fear is the opposite of faith." How true.

I'm sure you have known people who are filled with a large amount of faith, I'm sure you have also known people who are filled with a large amount of fear..anxiety...insecurity...etc...I possess all these things in varying degrees and at varying extremes sometimes, but the fact that my Heavenly Father addresses my fears "everyday" (or at least 365 times) helps me to know that it is okay to be afraid by times.

Fear can push us closer to the One who wants to hold us and never hurt us, or fear can drive us away from Him. My fears used to drive me away from God, but I'm learning that it's healthier and safer for my sanity to allow those fears to draw me into His loving arms instead.

He's the only one that can say "you're going to be okay" and mean it...because He knows my heart.

Not only does He know my heart, but He knows the "who, what, where, when, why and how" of my fears, that other people will never know, because when He looks at our hearts He sees into the deepest parts:

He knows where they reside, He knows why the fears are there, what caused them, or perhaps who caused them, He knows when they first began and He knows exactly how HE can put them to rest.

Apples and Pop Tarts

2011-05-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm learning something and I thought I'd let you in on it, so I have a silly, yet important little story to share:

About a year ago I got myself in the habit of eating an apple every morning. I did this for numerous reasons:

Number one: I didn't eat enough fruit and vegetables in the run of a day and

Number two: I found it very difficult to go for a morning run after filling up on a large empty calorie breakfast.

Now I am addicted to having an apple in the morning...seriously! If I'm reading first thing in the morning, I'm eating an apple. If I'm fixing my hair, I guarantee you that there is an apple on my dresser. If I'm writing, my apple is cut into slices so I can pop them in my mouth with my left hand while writing with my right. Why is this important? I'm not telling you to eat an apple in the morning, but just keep reading and you'll see the relevance.

One morning a few months ago I was running late, I went to the fridge and guess what? There were NO apples! I didn't have time to pick any up so I grabbed the next quickest thing...a Pop Tart! (The name alone screams quick and easy.) It just so happened we only had the chocolate kind...and I ran out the door.

Remember that my stomach had been used to having a apple go through it at this time in the morning for a very long time. Awhile later I felt like I had swallowed a brick! The Pop Tart was making my stomach turn. And there was no way I was going for a run on that kind of fuel.

What I put in my mouth in the morning affects my entire day.
I'm learning that my mind and heart are very similar:

Some days I wake up and pretty myself up right away, spend tons of time in front of the mirror and run out the door perfectly primped. I take no thought for what the day might hold because as long as I look good, I can get through it all!

Some days I get up and run to less than edifying music. Music that gets my heart rate up and anger kindling inside of me. As long as I get a good run in, I don't care about what I am feeding my mind.

Some days I get up and go right on facebook, I flip through the virtual newspaper of all my friends lives and take no thought for my own.

But do you want to know the days I feel most refreshed?! The days that I wake up and right away I dive into the refreshing flavor of God's word. A taste that is so spectacular and satisfying compared to what the world has to offer me. Those are my "apple" days! my mind is refreshed and I feel so full of life I could run a marathon. Everyone is different, but my experience has been that the days I don't start off with Him are the days I feel like a brick has hit my heart. I start to think about and dig up past guilt and failures through the other things that I look at, read and listen too. I forget that in His sight I am beautiful and that His Mercies are new EVERY morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Have you eaten your "apple" today?

"O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the [woman] that trusts in Him." -Psalm 34:8

"In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus...you can have all this world...just give me Jesus." -Fernando Ortega

A Blog Break

2011-05-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've decided to take a break from blogging this week. I'm going to spend some time with my Grammie and I also have a lot of things to get done before the Summer starts getting really busy! Thank you for reading and contacting me now and again. I hope that if nothing else you have considered thinking about yourself from the inside out as opposed to the outside in. I hope that you are considering how valuable and precious you are no matter what you have done or what has been done to you. I also hope that you have become acquainted or perhaps better acquainted with the One who loves you so deeply it should knock your socks off!

"So shall the King greatly desire thy beauty: for He is thy Lord; and worship thou Him." Psalm 45:11

"I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you...
Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over...
Take away the pride that whispers in the dark

Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way...
I am only made of your imagining
I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice
Until I'm changed, purified...
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
My Jesus, make me over
Make me over..."
-Natalie Grant

[ I'll be back next Monday.]

What Are You Doing Here?

2011-05-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

It’s just one of those days and I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like writing. On days like this I wonder why I even bother writing. I went for a run this morning and then to work and to be honest I would have rather stayed curled up in a ball and NOT face the day at all. Before I went to get a shower Mom looked at me and asked if I was okay. She’s pretty smart, she knew I wasn't.

So I did my hair ten times and changed my outfit about six times. I didn't smile at myself in the mirror but I “smiled” and talked with people all day, but I still didn’t feel happy. And right now, as I sit here writing, tears are welling up in my eyes and my head is hurting (I also haven’t cried in quite awhile, I don’t like to let myself cry because I usually can’t stop) It’s not PMS either, I just feel down, like something inside me is sinking and my heart is hurting.

I have more days like this than you might expect, I just don’t write about them because I don’t like to sound “depressing” but I’m just being honest. On days like this I regret things in my life, my mistakes and I can’t see anything bright in the future. You know that hollow feeling...

It’s days like this that I’m glad faith is not based on feelings. The Bible doesn't say that "you may feel" but it says that "you may KNOW..." (1 John 5:13)

I’m also glad it’s not based on how “faithful” I am to God, because granted, on days like this I stink at it.

I was comforted when I read about a man in 1 Kings who had a mountain top experience with God. He saw God prove His faithfulness among the people in a very real way. (Read 1 kings 18 for context) .

So you would think that Elijah would be so excited and that his faith would be so firm because of the miracle that God just preformed. But in the next chapter it says that Elijah went alone into the wilderness and sat down under a juniper tree (I marked this in my Bible as the “epitomy of depression”) and he basically told God that he was to weary to live anymore. His faith in God’s provision was running out. I can just picture him slumped over with his head in his knees under that tree.

Then he falls asleep under the tree...

I found it interesting the way that the Lord responds to Elijah:

In verse five he tells him to “arise and eat,” because the journey ahead is to great for him to handle.

So Elijah eats then he lies back down.

But in verse seven God not only tells Elijah to get up and eat, but the verse says that he “touched him and said arise and eat...” God offers him a gentle nudge and a comforting hand, He doesn’t tell him to snap out of it and just get over the way he is feeling.

So Elijah gets up, but in verse nine he goes and hides in a cave. I imagine him curling up in a ball, alone in the dark.

At this point I love the question that God asks Him. It is very simple and very kind. He doesn’t tell Elijah to do something, to get up and pray or to tear his clothes or offer a up a sacrifice. He simply says “What are you doing here Elijah?” And again in verse thirteen he softly says to Elijah’s heart:

“What are you doing here?”

He says the same thing to my heart and to yours “what are you doing here [Kali]...don’t you remember the things I have brought you through? The ways that I have used the very difficult times in your life to strengthen you and to help others...don’t you remember that I love you and that even when the rest of the world walks out on you...I will never leave you.”

"...for He has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you..." -Hebrews 13:5

"No gain or loss we know, could keep us from Your love...

no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands." (Christy Nockels)

One Word: "Impulsive"

2011-05-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

I’m thinking of one word tonight: “Impulsive.”

Why?

Because I came across a definition of it that is really worth thinking about...

Impulsive: “acting momentarily without thought to consequences.”

How many times have you been “impulsive?” Be honest. I know that I have been in situations where the person I was with acted out of “impulse” without any thought to how their actions would later affect my heart or shatter my soul.

I can also think of times when I have acted out of “impulse” and hurt people that I love because I wasn’t thinking about them, I was thinking about...guess who?

ME.

The word “impulsive” kind of defines the world around us. Wouldn’t you agree? It always irks me the way that movies and television shows often only show the “fun” and “in the moment “ side of actions...but conveniently leave out the consequences.

At work today a song on the radio kept repeating the words

“I wanna be consequence free...I wanna be consequence free...”

Well of course!

But we have all experienced “consequences” to our own actions or to the actions of others and we are smart enough to know that life isn’t like that.

I have talked with various men and women who “acted momentarily without thought to consequences” and those consequences have become the reality for the rest of their life.

I have some of my own “consequences” that I have to live with because of my own impulsive, selfish, in the moment decisions. We all do. So what do we do about it?

For starters, it is good to sit back and THINK about it. Before you say something THINK ABOUT IT. Before you do something THINK ABOUT IT. Before you decide to take from another person for your own gratification or satisfaction THINK ABOUT IT.

We were given minds for a reason. Although, we are often taught to “live for the moment,” “live on the edge,” “be impulsive,” most of us will admit that decisions made in haste (or perhaps under the influence of one substance or another) have never really benefited us.

Instead of acting out of impulse, act out of love (I’m not talking about the twisted view of “love” that many people have or have been exposed to) I mean the kind of selfless love that would cause one person to lay down their own life for another.

Why did God command for us to “love one another?” because love negates negative impulsiveness. Love means that we consider another person [simply put we "THINK" about another person] as an entire whole and complete person. As someone with a heart, mind, body, feelings, soul, etc... and we treat them the way we would want to be treated.

Scripture says that we should esteem each other better than ourselves. But often we esteem ourselves better than others.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”
– Philippians 2:3

My Dad always told me:
"there are decisions you can make in 60 seconds that you will regret for the rest of your life."

I used to think he was crazy.

Then I realized that he was right.

Think about it.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..." -1 John 4:18

Just as Nickleback Writes

2011-05-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

My heart was pounding after listening to the lyrics of a song by “Nickelback” entitled “Believe it or not.”

Sweat was pouring down my face as I cooled down from running, and I re-played the song on my Ipod. I have this song by them on my running playlist (I’m not recommending that you listen to them), but this song really struck me, read a few of these lyrics:

“Believe it or not, most of us wanna know why we're here...
Believe it or not, everyone, believes in something above...
Believe it or not, everyone, needs to feel loved...”

Wow.

Not sure how many times I looped the song but their lyrics have been ringing in my head all day.

In the song they also mention that “faith is so hard to find...” I could relate to them there. Not only is faith hard to find, but it’s hard to have especially in a world that frowns upon it.

Why is faith hard to find? I’ve come to understand that it is because we search for it in all the wrong places.

We search for it within and without and we forget to look up because we are scared to

“...believe in something above,”

But who honestly doesn’t want to believe that? Who honestly doesn’t want to believe that there is a God that loves them, that despite all the times they’ve screwed up and messed up, there is One who understands.

God created us to love and be loved. It’s pretty simple. He knew (just as “Nickleback” writes) that we would “need to feel loved.”

1 John 4:8 says that “...God is love.” He is the very definition of the word:
Love: “God.”

So we search for it high and low. In relationships and religion. In people and places, in shopping malls and supermarkets. In churches and clubs. But we can’t find it. Why?

Because our search for love ultimately draws us to God Himself. He created our hearts with a need and desire to be loved that can only be filled by Him.

Read a couple verses down in the same chapter:

“Herein is love, not the we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His son to be the payment for our sins...” (V.10)

And if you have never opened His word, you have probably heard this verse:

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him should not [be separated from God forever] but have everlasting life...” –John 3:16.

Believe it or not...

“And we know that the Son of God is come, and hath given us an understanding that we may know Him that is true, and we are in Him that is true, even in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life.”
-1 John 5:20

“Believe it or not, everyone, believes in something above...”
–Nickleback

He Knew What He Was Doing

2011-05-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

Ever read something that shatters your whole view of everything? I have. I think people have to be very careful with what they write, especially with what they write as “fact.”

You may have read a previous post called “Intellectual Suicide.” A month or so ago I came across a quote in my Psychology of Music textbook that stated that human beings and apes share 99% of their DNA. It kind of staggered me for a moment.

Just a couple days ago I picked up a New York Times Bestseller entitled: “The Case for a Creator.” As a former Journalism student I was intrigued by the subtitle: “A Journalist Investigates Scientific Evidence That Points Toward God.” If you haven’t read this book you should (and if you’d like a copy, send me a message because I have some and I’ll mail you one!) This book is most certainly NOT one sided as the guy who wrote it was in fact an Atheist (because of textbooks he studied in school) but then he started asking tougher questions and studying both sides of the story...

Anyhow, that’s enough of that (I’m not a person who debates my faith, I believe God and unlike what Frederick Nietzsche proclaimed God is not “dead.” He is in fact very much alive, (and um, Frederich Nietzsche is dead by the way).

But this is how good God is at calming my heart. I read that staggering statistic about a month ago and then I picked up this book a couple days ago and the answer to my confusion was right there; one of my favorite verses says that “God is not the author of confusion, but of peace...” How true!

Lee Strobel (The Journalist) interviews a Scientist name Jonathan Wells PHD,PHD. Wells has his doctorate in Molecular and Cell Biology from Berkeley along with numerous other impressive credentials. Strobel decides to ask Wells the question that jumped off the page for me as I had just read it in my Psychology text only a few weeks before:

“What about recent genetic studies that show human and apes share ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of their genes?” (Okay, first of all, I had no idea he was going to ask MY question...I just picked up this book as the first of many to begin my summer reading.)

Wells answers:

“If you assume, as Neo-Darwinism does, that we are products of our genes, then you’re saying that the dramatic differences between us and chimpanzees are due to two percent of our genes. The problem is that the so called body-building genes are in the ninety-eight percent. The two percent of genes that are different are really rather trivial genes that have little to do with anatomy. So the supposed similarity of human and chimpanzee DNA is a problem for Neo-Darwinism right there.

Second, it’s not surprising when you look at two organisms that are similar anatomically, you often find that they are similar genetically. Not always; there’s a striking discordance with some organisms, but does this prove common ancestry?”

He shook his head as he answered his own question: “No, it’s just as compatible with common design as it is with common ancestry. A designer might very well choose to use common building materials to create different organisms, just as builders use the same materials—steel girders, rivets and so forth –to build different bridges that end up looking very dissimilar to one another. “

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace...
(1 Corinthians 14:33)

Snippets in the Sand

2011-05-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

Bits and pieces from my Journals of frustration that I dug up on my first night back on the Island:

*I wrote this during a time of severe headaches, back aches and muscle aches (partly due to my CP) That seemed like they were NEVER going to end.

The pain in the back of my neck is not going away.

I'm trying hard to grin and bear it.

Help me take it one day at a time and not get frustrated...

Everything in this world is so twisted and wrong and contrary to You God.

"No one understands; no one seeks for God....

Everything in my heart is so twisted and wrong and contrary to You.

...All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.”

(Romans 3:11)

Thanks for keeping Your arms around me.

I hope someday that I'll thank You for all this pain.

(Written December 2009)

"Lord, You took the pain even though I left You

And You took the shame and You made it all Your own
Why'd you take the blame for everything that I've done?
Lord, You took the pain
You and You alone, You and You alone..."

-Third Day

A Facebook FAKE

2011-05-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade..." (Tenth Avenue North)

I wasn't going to share this story.

But it goes along with the "Depression and Prescription Drugs" posts.

I remember one day in particular at this very low point in my life, when I didn't want to get out of bed and you could not have paid me to exercise or cook a meal.

I would mostly stay in bed (or curled up under my bed as I wrote in a previous post) OR I would sit for hours crying in the bath tub.

Anyway, on this particular day I was alone in my apartment.
I had just taken some more pills and was spaced out and "happy" (at this time I was also taking six Advil a day which did not affect me as much as I would like, so I took narcotics as well.)

The narcotics that I begged the Doctor for (not sure if I mentioned that before). I was so terrified of running out of pills because I knew that if I didn't have them I would not be able to escape my crumbling world.

So I sat sedated in the tub. When I was on the meds I would go through extreme mood swings. Extremely happy, or extremely depressed. That day in the tub was a low day and I don't like to write it but I went under the water and thought about never coming back up out of the water.

I knew it was possible, I was by myself. But because I had almost drowned in a Gorge (as I wrote in one of my previous posts that I called "My Last Scream") I came up gasping for air.

Then I did something that I now think is kind of odd but important:

I pulled myself out of the tub, then I also did something that I hadn't done in days: I got out of my pj's put on a cute top and jeans, did my hair and put on some make up (well, lots because I was extremely pale and my eyes were bloodshot at the time).

Then I set up my camera, put it on the self timer, and looking all cute (while feeling like crap) I put on my fake smile and took a couple photos until I got the one that I liked and made it my new profile picture.

Yep, you guessed it, at that time in my life I was a Facebook FAKE. And lots of people "liked"and commented on my new photo. Having no idea what I was really looking like and going through at the time. (It's SO easy to project a positive image of yourself on there.)

Why do I love the Lord Jesus Christ? Because He has seen both "Kali's" yet He loves me still. With a pure love that surpasses everything I could ever understand. A love that is beyond anything I could ever deserve.

"Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence

But you love me even now...

Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry" -Natalie Grant

People that Don't Exist

2011-04-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

A lady once said to my Mom: "you must have had the perfect life growing up..." She made a few other remarks having no idea about my Mom's real story.

A friend said to me not too long ago "I always thought you were perfect."

Someone also thought that my Father, Mother, Brother and I are the "perfect" family (if they only knew!)

The only reason my family is together today is because we went through a seriously painful season where we almost fell completely apart.

We do this all the time. We make quick judgments about other people based on the outside. We take people at face value (or in today's world at "Facebook" value).

I can tell you that I used to avoid reading God's Word because I assumed that it was full of perfect people. I also did not want to go to church because I really didn't feel like sitting in a room full of plastic-smiled, hymn singing, smiling people.

But then I met real people. Real people with real problems and real lives who were not ashamed to be real with me (and I with them). And then I read about real people in the Bible. People who loved God, but often their hearts were flawed and far from Him. People (like me) who kept messing up.

(This post is going to be short as my real, imperfect, frustrating laptop just deleted everything that I had previously written!)

Perhaps these words will comfort you today:

Perfect people don't exist.

"Never let 'em see you when you're breaking

Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

There's no such thing as perfect people

There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again...

He lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections..."
(Natalie Grant)

Authentic Jealousy

2011-04-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever watched a new young couple with their heads in the clouds and their hands clasped tightly together?

Have you ever watched the look on the young man's face when a handsome, smooth talking gentleman starts talking to HIS girl (maybe even getting a smile or a giggle out of her?) I have. The first word that comes to my mind is:

"Jealousy"

Most likely the young man will swoop in and wrap his arm around her in a "she's with me" fashion.

Or perhaps as a female, some cute little lady starts talking to your man and something inside you starts to burn. What is that flame?

Jealousy.

Did you know that God is jealous because of you? I remember the first time I heard this I was a bit taken aback. In the same way that God's judgement is perfect, His jealousy is perfect. It is pure. It is of a heavenly authenticity that our earthly minds cannot comprehend. It is difficult to grasp because "jealousy" is usually thought of as a negative green-eyed-monster sort of thing.

A few verses in 1Kings 14 sparked this flame in my mind:

"And Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked Him to jealousy with their sins which they had committed, above all that their fathers had done. For they also built them high places, and images, and groves, on every high hill, and under every green tree." v.22-23

Let me put it bluntly for you:

God is perfectly and utterly jealous for your heart.

His heart aches when your heart is turned from Him, it is as though a piece of His heart is missing. His heart aches when other people other things or other situations point your affections in an opposing direction. The Bible states this over and over again when the people turn from the Lord and He gently pleads with them to turn back to Him.

"If He hasn’t done it yet, at some point in your life, He will fight for your affection. His jealousy isn’t spiteful or His attempt to make your situation any harder than it already is.

God’s desire is for us to turn to Him alone. He created you. Whether you know Him or not, He is jealous for you, and He loves you deeper than you’ll ever be able to comprehend." (Michelle Myers)

"In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them..." -Isaiah 63:9

His Love is the whole point of your life.

Just a Little Bit

2011-04-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

I started to cry before I wrote this post. I have been overwhelmed over these past few days of how little God expects of me. Often, I feel like one of those children who walks up to give her Dad a hug and the first thing He says is "okay Kali, what do you want?"

I guess I've been realizing that I treat God like that. When I think I have things in my life under control, I don't really need Him, but as soon as one of my life's plans falls to pieces, He's the first One that I accuse for not working it out...for not fixing it. I'm always accusing Him of so much and yet asking Him for so much.

Even though I often use and abuse His love, and often my faith in Him is so tiny, He speaks so kindly: "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you." -Matthew 17:20

A mustard seed, that's all He asks. the One who created mustard fields and oceans and mountains and stars, asks me to have faith...and if it is as small as a mustard seed at times, He says that it is okay.

I expect big things of Him and when I don't get them, I want to throw in the faith towel. He expects so little of me, and my heart aches to admit, that sometimes I don't even give Him that.

God invented growth. He designed seeds to fall into the ground and raise up into new life. I know in my own life a lot of my own dreams had to come crashing down and fall into the ground so that He could grow a garden of faith in my heart.

Yet to be honest, it all just started with a little tiny seed and to be even more honest, some days that is all I can muster up...because there are days when I ache inside and my heart hurts. There are days when I doubt...a lot.

He doesn't suck the life and energy out of me by asking much of me, instead He asks for little, because in His greatness, He is capable of making much of it.

"'Cause I'm just a whisper

And You are the thunder and

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of

I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You..."
-S.C.Chapman

Dust Bunnies!

2011-04-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have dust bunnies stuck to my feet and all I can say is "here comes Swiffer sweeper!" Eyyucch. My living space usually "looks" pretty great when you walk in. BUT when you move out, all the dust that wasn't visible magically appears and leaves you sneezing. Lovely I know. I really don't enjoy the feeling of dust between my toes...

Anyhow, I don't have a lot to write today. It has been a whirlwind of packing, cleaning and of course dusting. I often think if I took fifteen minutes from my crazy schedule and dusted everyday, I wouldn't be finding things that look like the picture above (which made me laugh when I stumbled upon it! Don't worry, this is not a photo of one of my dust bunnies, our place is too little to have ones that large! and I don't have any carrots because we are living on our last bit of groceries before we move out.)

Back to my inspirational thoughts about dusting. I actually don't have much to say except this: sometimes my mind and heart are absolutely full of these "dust bunnies." I wonder why I have difficulty quieting myself and praying and it's because, well, there's so much stuff in there that I haven't taken care of, I've just swept it under the rug.

I think we all have this. Bitterness, anger, stress, frustration, worry, disappointment, discouragement...These "bunnies" just seem to collect inside us over time and they are NOT cute. Believe me, It's usually when I have some things in my own life that I haven't tended to that I start to judge and point fingers at other people.

If I took care of my own dirt first, this wouldn't happen. So today all I have to say as I head back in with the Swiffer that saved the day is this: get rid of your own dirt! I'm not trying to be harsh and I'm mostly talking to myself...

I once sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down EVERYTHING I could think of that I felt bad about in my own life. Things that I had done wrong, people that I had let down, things that I wish I would have done differently, etc...Then guess what?

It's pretty simple but I tore that paper up (yelled and screamed and let off a bunch of steam while I did it). I'm a person who likes tangible things (that's why living by faith is hard for me sometimes). But this IS what God does when we bring our dirt to Him. He disposes of it perfectly and He DOES NOT want us to keep digging it up again.

"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west..." -Psalm 103:12

Tires Under Our Butts

2011-04-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

We moved a lot when I was a kid. Ten times that I can remember (Mom says it was more like fifteen!). By now I am a packing pro. I'm in the process of packing up my apartment for the summer, sitting in the middle of boxes and packing paper. My Dad has been saying "you better get packing girl" (worried that I won't have it done by Sunday when the truck comes...) but this girl has years of packing experience.

I was always the new kid (that's what comes with moving around a lot). I had trouble making friends because I was shy and when I finally made friends, I had to leave them behind.

Lots of my friends today, have friends that they grew up with. Memories from kindergarten, lifelong friends. I don't have that.

I also know families that have their kids all measured by height on the wall. You know, those little pencil markings from when little Billy was two, right up until he's twenty...I don't have that either.

It's amazing what you do to yourself when you start thinking about what you don't have. Friends used to ask me how I could stand moving all the time (frankly I didn't have much of a choice). Dad says my brother and I were born with "tires under our butts," because we were always in the car and on the move. It used to bother me when people would ask me what I thought about moving.

My mom lovingly asked me this once when I got older. Did it bother me that we had moved around so much? That I didn't grow up in the same house filled with all our cherished memories...

My honest answer at that time was "yes." It may sound silly but there's something unsettling about never being settled.

My answer today as I pack up and leave another dwelling place never to return to it again is: "no, it doesn't bother me." I am so thankful that at such a young age I learned not to become too attached to things. To places, to stuff, or even to people. I mean this in a positive way. Every place I have lived in is a little chapter in this little book called my life. I have seen at various times in my life the possibility of how short my book may be. None of us know whether or not God is going to write us another chapter.

I started thinking tonight as I started packing (yet again) how thankful I am to be settled. Sounds kind of ironic considering the fact that I am uprooting my entire life all over again. I am talking about a heart that is settled, not a a home. I know so many people who spend their entire lives unsettled...moving...restless. Their homes may be settled, but their hearts are not.

I don't understand everything about God (if I did, He wouldn't be God because I would know more than He does).

I don't even understand everything about faith (because some days I don't have very much of it.)

One of the verses that was ringing in my head while I was packing a few moments ago was 1 Peter 5:10:

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that you have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, SETTLE you."

We go through very unsettling things by times, but He has promised to be faithful in settling our hearts when we turn them over to Him.

I've got to get back to packing, but I'll leave you with a brief commentary on the "settling" part of this verse:

Settle: "Cause all to rest so evenly and firmly upon the best and surest foundation, that ye may grow together to a holy temple in the Lord: in a word, that ye may be complete in all the mind that was in Christ; supported in all your trials and difficulties; strengthened to resist and overcome all your enemies; and after all abide, firmly founded, in the truth of grace..."

Intellectual Suicide

2011-04-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

Did you know that 73.6% of all statistics are made up?! I've never been one to trust statistics anyhow, but I found this "statistic" to be quite shocking.

I've been reading through my Psychology of Music textbook the past couple nights to prepare for my final exam. Wait till you read the statistic I found in there. I am most certain that it will encourage you to live your life to the fullest. Are you ready for this?? Here goes:

"Even today, chimpanzees and humans share close to 99% of their genetic material , and are as closely related to each other as lions are to tigers and rats to mice."

Wow.
I was stunned. there was no reference, no solid evidence presented, no nothing. Just this whopping statistic.

I've heard it said before that the Bible causes human beings to commit "intellectual suicide." Having read it in its entirety, I would have to disagree. It was actually the above statement that caused me to commit intellectual suicide:

-I am an animal
-I have no purpose
-The thoughts and feelings of my heart are null and void.

Statements like the statistic above cause us to throw out everything we know about the desires of our very own hearts. About our deepest feelings, our deepest longings, our creative abilities, our hopes and our dreams. The little intricacies about us that nobody else sees.

God does not ask us to commit intellectual suicide when we come to Him and He doesn't play around with statistics. Isaiah 1:18 says:

"Come now, and let us reason together," Says the LORD, 'Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool.'"

We agree that we are imperfect.
We agree that He is 100% perfect.
We believe that His son paid for our imperfections.
We accept the free gift of His grace through faith.

We live life to the fullest because we know that in Christ we have been created for beauty and designed for purpose. Our hearts were fashioned by His Hands and with our consent they are healed by His love.

"...I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." -John 10:10

"Because underneath the surface, there's a heart and a purpose..." -Bebo Norman

It's 4:00am...

2011-04-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

I pump out poetry in the early morning hours (it's 4:00am!), here is the result of an all-nighter after I finished studying for my last exam:

Bound to My Beloved

They beat my Beloved,

The One who took my place.

They plucked out his beard

They spit in His face.

They beat my Beloved,

They parted His raiment

They laughed and they cursed

Yet He stayed for my payment.

I beat my Beloved,

I caused Him to weep

I ignored His voice, His tears

His heart of love so deep.

I beat my Beloved,

I wrestled out of spite,

Yet He took my empty heart

And healed it with His might.

I beat my Beloved,

I ignored His precious Word,

Yet His relentless love of me

I now know is real and not absurd.

I fell for my Beloved,

Face down on the floor,

Nothing in this life provided

What my heart was longing for.

I fell for my Beloved,

For His all-consuming love

That pursues my heart each day

And lifts my face above.

I'll stand for my Beloved,

My heart is bound to Him,

Forever in His Hands,

Whether days are bright or dim...

My heart is bound to Him.

-Kali E. Wells

"To say that God loves me is a familiar notion indeed, but to pursue, know and experience His love is a rare preoccupation." -Dana Candler

They Beat My Beloved

2011-04-24T03:21:00.000-07:00

This is what happened to the one I love so much
(from Luke 23)

Please take a moment to stop your oh-so-busy life, quiet your restless mind and racing thoughts and read this. May your heart understand the depth of His love this Easter morning:

And the whole multitude of them arose, and led him unto Pilate.

And they began to accuse him, saying, We found this fellow perverting the nation, and forbidding to give tribute to Caesar, saying that he himself is Christ a King.

And Pilate asked him, saying, Art thou the King of the Jews? And he answered him and said, Thou sayest it.

Then said Pilate to the chief priests and to the people, I find no fault in this man.

And they were the more fierce, saying, He stirreth up the people, teaching throughout all Jewry, beginning from Galilee to this place.

When Pilate heard of Galilee, he asked whether the man were a Galilaean.

And as soon as he knew that he belonged unto Herod's jurisdiction, he sent him to Herod, who himself also was at Jerusalem at that time.

And when Herod saw Jesus, he was exceeding glad: for he was desirous to see him of a long season, because he had heard many things of him; and he hoped to have seen some miracle done by him.

Then he questioned with him in many words; but he answered him nothing.

And the chief priests and scribes stood and vehemently accused him.

And Herod with his men of war set him at nought, and mocked him, and arrayed him in a gorgeous robe, and sent him again to Pilate.

And the same day Pilate and Herod were made friends together: for before they were at enmity between themselves.

And Pilate, when he had called together the chief priests and the rulers and the people,

Said unto them, Ye have brought this man unto me, as one that perverteth the people: and, behold, I, having examined him before you, have found no fault in this man touching those things whereof ye accuse him:

No, nor yet Herod: for I sent you to him; and, lo, nothing worthy of death is done unto him.

I will therefore chastise him, and release him.

(For of necessity he must release one unto them at the feast.)

And they cried out all at once, saying, Away with this man, and release unto us Barabbas:

(Who for a certain sedition made in the city, and for murder, was cast into prison.)

Pilate therefore, willing to release Jesus, spake again to them.

But they cried, saying, Crucify him, crucify him.

And he said unto them the third time, Why, what evil hath he done? I have found no cause of death in him: I will therefore chastise him, and let him go.

And they were instant with loud voices, requiring that he might be crucified. And the voices of them and of the chief priests prevailed.

And Pilate gave sentence that it should be as they required.

And he released unto them him that for sedition and murder was cast into prison, whom they had desired; but he delivered Jesus to their will.

And as they led him away, they laid hold upon one Simon, a Cyrenian, coming out of the country, and on him they laid the cross, that he might bear it after Jesus.

And there followed him a great company of people, and of women, which also bewailed and lamented him...

And there were also two other, malefactors, led with him to be put to death.

And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left.

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.

And the people stood beholding. And the rulers also with them derided him, saying, He saved others; let him save himself, if he be Christ, the chosen of God.

And the soldiers also mocked him, coming to him, and offering him vinegar,

And saying, If thou be the king of the Jews, save thyself.

And a superscription also was written over him in letters of Greek, and Latin, and Hebrew, THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.

And one of the malefactors which were hanged railed on him, saying, If thou be Christ, save thyself and us.

But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation?

And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss.

And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.

And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.

And it was about the sixth hour, and there was a darkness over all the earth until the ninth hour.

And the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was rent in the midst.

And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit: and having said thus, he gave up the ghost.

Now when the centurion saw what was done, he glorified God, saying, Certainly this was a righteous man...

And, behold, there was a man named Joseph, a counsellor; and he was a good man, and a just:

(The same had not consented to the counsel and deed of them;) he was of Arimathaea, a city of the Jews: who also himself waited for the kingdom of God.

This man went unto Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus.

And he took it down, and wrapped it in linen, and laid it in a sepulchre that was hewn in stone, wherein never man before was laid.

And that day was the preparation, and the sabbath drew on.

And the women also, which came with him from Galilee, followed after, and beheld the sepulchre, and how his body was laid.

And they returned, and prepared spices and ointments; and rested the sabbath day according to the commandment.

This is the true meaning of Easter:
(from Matthew 28)

In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.

And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.

His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:

And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men.

And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.

He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay...

Sunburn Solution

2011-04-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. -Isaiah 43:2

I'm one of those girls who doesn't always learn from her mistakes. A couple years ago I sat out on a beach with a friend. We were reading and talking and lost track of time. I could feel my skin getting HOT but did not think much of it.

When we arrived home later I was fine. but then I started feeling a bit lightheaded. Later on that evening when the effects of the sun started to show, my skin was bright red. I couldn't touch it. Not only that, but I couldn't take the bathing suit off that I had on at the beach. My skin was too raw. I ended up having to wear the same thing under my clothes for the next two weeks! My skin was burnt around it so any time I tried to put anything else on under my t-shirts, let's just say it was excruciatingly painful.

Then it got worse. My burnt to a crisp skin started to blister and ooze. At one point I had to bandage my whole chest. My friend (who is a nurse) thought I was going to have to go get it looked at. You can just imagine your skin sticking to and peeling off and bleeding when you try to change your shirt.

I know what you're thinking, and you're right, I'm not that smart.

The next summer I did the SAME thing. Thankfully it didn't blister and ooze, but it was really burnt and raw again. I found out while browsing online that cooled peppermint tea applied to the burn before you go to bed at night with soothe the pain and help it heal. So I tried that and it worked! I made this big pot of peppermint tea, poured it in a bowl with Ice cubes and applied it to all my tender skin. Not only did it work but I smelled pretty good too!

The next morning I got up and was shocked to find that after only one night of applying mint tea, my burn was fading. It wasn't oozing or peeling, it was fading. It had turned to a lighter pink. Believe you me I will never again spend a ton of money on sunburn creams and lotions. This remedy is cheap and works and you're not left feeling all sticky.

Oh and guess what? Yesterday (about a year since last time) I did the SAME thing. I'm sitting here looking at a red chest. Thankfully, each time I've burned my chest it has been less and less severe. This one is fading already. I'm not doing my skin any favors for when I get older though. So I do not recommend this. I'm a pale skinned individual and I have to spend time in the sun in short periods, not HOURS at a time. But as I mentioned before, I still haven't learned my lesson!

***

A dear friend passed me this verse on a little card when I was going through a difficult time and couldn't see the "light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." -Isaiah 43:2

Sometimes in this life we get burned. Sometimes it's inevitable. Sometimes it's inflicted by another. Sometimes (like in the case of my sunburns) it's self inflicted. It's a kind of burning that happens inside, that dries us up or drains us out emotionally and leaves us bitter. I know from experience that sometimes these "droughts" last for a long time.

I am so thankful that there is One who has promised to pass through all of it with me. This doesn't mean that the experience is not painful, but it does mean that when the rest of the world walks out on you, there is still One there to ease the pain. To take you out on the other side unscathed. With life lessons that will encourage someone else and with an attitude that smells much better (in a sense) because of a heart that is being restored by His love.

"May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound, supplies the balm, And that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself." -H. Taylor

Assaulted Twice

2011-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

Sexual Assault used to be under-reported by women. Many times it was kept secret and no one was told. Why?

Because the woman knew that when the case went to court she would be questioned about her sexual history. They would try to prove that she was a "loose" woman and that she may have given "consent" if she had done so in the past. The more sexual partners the woman had, the worse it was for her.

My Law Professor says that this is like being "assaulted twice." The woman not only had to endure what was done to her outside the courtroom, but inside the courtroom she would be torn apart all over again.

Thankfully, things have changed since then and a victims' sexual history does not get brought up in the case of an assault. The focus is on the present case and that is it.

This got me thinking while the Prof was talking (and yes, of course, my mind started to wander in a completely different direction.) I was thinking about the heart of God. I was thinking about the fact that when we come to Him with a mistake or a horrible failure He doesn't point fingers and say:

"Well, you know Kali, you've done that before, I'm not forgiving you this time..."

This is the beauty of accepting Jesus Christ into your life. God is a perfect judge and His word says that the payment for sin is death (Romans 6:23). Every horrible thing that you have done, said or even thought in your life, must be dealt with before God.

God knew that we couldn't deal with it. He knows our hearts and that they are "deceitful and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9) He knows that we choose to do things that we know are wrong over and over and over again.

Yet He gave us His only Son:
Jesus.

To die in our place.

To take the punishment that I so justly deserved, because before the courts I know in the depths of my heart that I would be found guilty and wouldn't even have the guts to knock on Heaven's door.

Yet Jesus paid for all of it. If you have ever read any of the Bible it states this over and over and over again.

God just asks us to believe:

"Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved." -Acts 16:31

And receive:

"If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰ For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." -Romans 10:9-10

You can try and get to God your own way, you can try and figure it out on you own terms. But God has made it very clear. He has made it very simple. You can follow religions and rules, you can go to church and feed the hungry. You can find cures for diseases and clothe the poor. These are all "good" things. You can wear yourself out doing good (like I used too).

Or you can wake up and realize that God sincerely wants your heart. He wants you to trust Him and His goodness. To love His son and His sacrifice. And then you can let out a sigh of relief, because when you come to God with something, He will NEVER drill you about your past. It has already been dealt with.

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." -Romans 6:23

"I have not much to offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends to call me friend
Your mercy sets me free..."
(Starfield)

Men in a Box

2011-04-21T04:01:00.000-07:00

I have this problem with putting men in a box.

If you've been hurt by one man, or a few men, or perhaps more than a few, you've been hurt by them all...right?

Wrong.

I've lived a lot of my life with this "guys are jerks" sign lit up above my forehead. It's really not true, all guys are not jerks and I know that...

But not long ago I would have been the first girl to tell you that.

It's a process for me.

I was reading about a man in 1 Kings this morning. A man who was building a house for the Lord. He worked so hard and long and put so much effort into what he was building. The amazing thing was that when he came to the end of it, he said:

"But will God indeed dwell on the earth? behold, the heaven and heaven of heavens cannot contain thee; how much less this house that I have builded?" -1 Kings 8:27

This man, in a sense, had tried to put God in a box (well, actually, in a really large immaculate house.) He realized that he couldn't do it.

Later on in the chapter King Solomon mentions in passing that "...there is no man that sinneth not..." 1 Kings 8:46

Meaning that there is no perfect man.

Jesus is the only man who ever walked perfectly. As God's son, He purposed to do the will of His father, even when it hurt Him, even when it killed Him.

I think sometimes as girls we are brought up with this notion (perhaps because of fairy-tales) that one day the perfect man will swoop into our lives, sweep us off our feet and carry us away to bliss.

So I went from the "knight in shining armour" view of guys, to putting all guys in the "jerk" box, but there's something I'm learning from all this:

I am not perfect either. Sometimes I am a jerk. Where does that leave me?

I think it is pretty safe to say that regardless of gender, we are all selfish.

But God be thanked that there is one who is Selfless: "For even Christ pleased not himself..." -Romans 15:3

And when you get to know Him, you experience unconditional love that will make your head spin. and yes, you do get swept off your feet, because His desires become your desires. He will make His dreams for you come true in His time and His dreams are perfect.

I'm learning (it's a process) Not to put God in a box

...or anyone else for that matter. I have met wonderful, encouraging men who have helped me to burn the jerk box altogether.

Not only that, I already know the most wonderful man that will ever hold my heart in His hands.

"For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again..." -Proverbs 24:16

Sponge Baths and Bunny Ears

2011-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

There were TWO things that I dreaded the most when I was a kid:

1. The sponge-bath.

2. The bunny ear-muffs.

Because I grew up with a "continual" cast on my leg affected by CP, these two things were my constant and very faithful companions.

The sponge bath stuck by me while I had my cast on.

The Bunny earmuffs were placed on my head by the Doc when it was time to saw the cast off and put on a fresh one.

My Mom did her best to help me avoid sponge baths. She would wrap my casted leg in a plastic bag (didn't mean to rhyme that) and set me in the tub with my leg up on the edge.

Problem?! After sitting with my leg like that for so long it would start to get tired and it is very difficult to clean yourself up when you're doing a balancing act at the same time. The bag was there to protect from water splashes, but if my leg slipped and fell in from fatigue...

Well, let's just say we switched to sponge baths. Outside the tub, on the floor, on a towel with a bowl full of water under my head so mom could wash my hair. Of course my neck always got so sore and I couldn't understand why something as simple as taking a bath and playing with rubber duckies, was nearly impossible for me.

Then there was the trips to the Doctor's office with the big SAW. And to be honest, when they set me up on the big bed, with this saw dangling from some weird contraption...that was all that I saw! And I usually ended up screaming at the sight of it. It was so big and I was so little and I was so scared they would make a mistake while cutting the cast off and cut my leg off too.

So the sweet nurse gave me these big old earmuffs that had bunny rabbit ears sticking out on the side. they helped drown out the noise. Through the whole experience I was thankful I had them. I still cried and screamed (of course...not surprisingly my Dad called me "Shrieky" during my younger years) and I know he is so proud that I still have the ability in my lungs to live up to that title today!

Even though I didn't understand at the time, these dreaded sponges and bunnies were actually for my benefit, for my comfort in a sense. Tub time was hard on my leg so the sponge baths eased some of the discomfort. Sawing time was hard on my little head, so the bunny ears shielded me from that oh-so-scary-machine.

Sometimes we wonder why God doesn't answer our prayers. Sometimes I wondered why God would not allow me to have a normal childhood. Sometimes I wonder why other families have children suffering from terrible things; every day is a constant battle, and everyone is left exhausted.

It's then that I thank Him for the sponges and bunnies. We will not understand on this side of Heaven why some of our prayers are left unanswered. But sometimes we have no idea what God is preserving us from or preparing us for when He doesn't heed to our every request.

I now know that He knew just what I needed to make me stronger. He knew just what I needed to make me appreciate life and His love. He knew just what I needed to be thankful for the little things...

Yes, even for the bunnies and sponges.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." -John 14:18

"Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child..."

(Scott Krippayne)

Open Wounds--Open Flowers

2011-04-19T04:12:00.000-07:00

My breath was taken away when I came across this painting by Ainslie Roberts. The actual painting is 3 METERS wide! It reminds me of my heart as a woman:

There is a lot of swampy, marshy, not so pleasant stuff there. There are wounds in places that I wish would stop oozing and bleeding. There are weeds and things that grow up and out from beneath the surface that sometimes come in contact with and hurt other people.

There is also a lot of beauty there. There are lily pads of brilliant green that have been dropped on top of the swamp by people who have blessed my life and loved me the way that I am. And then there are all these OPEN FLOWERS looking up at the sky. And in case you didn't see it in the painting...LOOK again, there is beauty in the distance (I know, sometimes I miss it too! we all do.)

I was reading about King Solomon this morning and how he purposed to build a house for the Lord. 1 Kings 6:14 says that he finished the work that he started. I skimmed through most of it, got to this verse and thought, "phew, good, it's done!" (as it really wasn't that exciting to read all the details about how he built it and what he used and I was bored by reading about "cubits" and the different types of wood).

But something tugged at my heart and I decided to go back and read it again (and continue on to finish the chapter as there are really 38 verses and I gave up after only 14.) It was like God was whispering to my heart "Kali, you missed it, you ALWAYS miss it..." and He lovingly pleaded with me and my tired eyes at 7am to take a second look.

"And the cedar of the house within was carved with knops and open flowers..." -1 Kings 6:18

"And he carved all the walls of the house round about with carved figures of cherubims and palm trees and open flowers..." (v.29)

"The two doors also were of olive tree; and he carved upon them carvings of cherubims and palm trees and open flowers, and overlaid them with gold..." (v.32)

"And he carved thereon cherubims and palm trees and open flowers: and covered them with gold fitted upon the carved work." (v.35)

These verses overwhelmed me. the Bible says that I am God's temple (His house) in 1 Corinthians 3:16. I see open wounds in my heart, God sees open flowers. He does not always close the wounds the way I want Him to but instead he overlays them with gold, preserves them in their "open" state and uses them to touch the wounded heart of someone else.

Shattered Dreams

2011-04-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

"I don't even know who you are anymore..." my Dad said to me when he opened my bedroom door. I sat there, practically lifeless, wearing a big gray hoodie with my hands clutching my knees. I stared at the wall.

His words surprised me at first, because we had always had a close relationship and I knew that he knew me very well. My eyes were bloodshot, I was pale as a ghost and I didn't smile at that time in my life...ever. I forgot how.

I was supposed to be in University at the time but I had left early (and somehow just barely managed to complete the semester.) I hated everything and everyone. Everything and everyone was stupid. Everything I had done in my life was stupid. I hated looking at myself in the mirror, because like my Dad, I did't even know who I was anymore.

If you would have said anything to me about God at that time in my life I would have thought of slapping you in the face: "God, what God? The God who let me down and shattered my dreams." I was done with Him.

But I am thankful today that He wasn't done with me.

When I was in High School I helped out with a group called "Seed Sowers" one summer. We went around town passing out little John 3:16 posters and sharing the love of Jesus with the community. I'll never forget the day I walked up to a lady and handed her one. She looked at me read the verse on the poster (For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son...) and then I heard a noise as I was walking away. I looked over my shoulder and she was tearing up the poster I had given her and throwing it in the trash.

I kept walking and thinking. My heart was breaking for that woman. I had no idea that years later I would be feeling just like her:

Broken, unwanted by God, hurt, let down, angry, destroyed, furious...but somewhere deep, deep, DEEP down and buried still longing to know that He loved me.

I hated going to church. So I stopped going for awhile. Happy, singing people were not for me. I hated praying (I'm just being honest here), when someone would start praying and thanking God and talking about His love, I would have to get up and leave...I couldn't stand it!

My journals at that time were pretty much full of anger and cursing. I'm going to dig them up this summer and I'll probably share some of them here, because you will see a really different me.

But God is in the business of binding up the broken. I know that now more than ever:

‎"Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God..." -L. Crabb

I'm slowly learning that perhaps He shattered my dreams, because He actually has bigger dreams of His own in store and it was time for me to lose control and hand it over to the One who gave me a heart to dream dreams in the first place.

"Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart..." (Third Day)

Nothing Left

2011-04-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

I went to the last class of my four years of Undergrad this past week. I came home and was so tired that I didn't want to have to waste time both eating and drinking something so I just dumped some chocolate milk and "vector" cereal into a mug and downed it like my life depended on it, showered, then flopped into bed for the night.

I pulled the covers up over my head and literally could NOT stop shaking. And then I just started sobbing and saying, "I'm done, I'm done, I'm DONE! Thank you God, I'm done..." That lasted for a couple hours then I finally drifted off to sleep.

When I was younger I used to cry a lot, but after a turn of events in my life, I stopped crying for a long time, went through a phase when I could not cry, and now when I do cry, which is not very often, it usually lasts for a VERY long time (so I try my best to avoid it.)

Last semester my Mom even suggested that I somehow schedule some "crying time" into my agenda, but I usually opt for sweating instead after a good run or climb. I preferred that as opposed to ending up with a huge headache after a crying session. Had I listened to her, this session probably would not have been so bad, I actually started feeling like I was panicking and overcome with joy at the same time. But I had been so stressed out and wound up so tight for so long that everything kinda just came spilling out.

I never really planned to go to University. I had this dream of getting married young, living on a farm and raising a bundle of youngsters. But God gave me textbooks instead!

This was actually really hard for me because although I was always a straight "A" student going through school, I never really enjoyed studying. I have friends who just love it (and I think they're crazy), but somehow I managed to get through 4 years and am now going on to do one more year. I have made a vow that once I have both my degrees...I'm done! 18 years of school (well, pre-school through 5 years University) is ENOUGH for me.

Another reason that these past four years really drained me is that my biggest trials and times of great pain and suffering came about during those four years. If you are reading this and you are young or in your teen years, never let anyone convince you that just because you are young, you're problems and pains are not a big deal...they are actually a HUGE deal, because some of the pain that you experience in this time of your life is brand new (like a first heartbreak, or the loss of a loved one, health issues you never had before, family issues that were never an issue before etc...) a lot of times it is those fresh new pains that hurt the most.

I just read this quote in Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory."
-William Barclay

When I started writing here on a daily basis, my goal was to take a lot of the "hard things" in my own life and point you to the one who gets you through the hard things. Like most people I came to a point when I hit rock bottom. I once told a friend that if I could give her any other answer or any other person to point her to besides "Jesus," I probably would. But when you hit the bottom and have nothing left, these lyrics describe exactly what happens

When you think you've hit the bottom
and the bottom gives way
and you fall into a darkness
no words can explain
and you don't know how you make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there.
(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Jesus went from being in my head, to in my heart.

We All Fall

2011-04-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

"We all fall
Sometimes
We all let ourselves down
Sometimes there's nothing left
but to live with what's been done
And know you're not the only one
Who falls..." [Superchick Lyrics]

I hope that anyone reading this realizes that I refuse to write about things that have not touched my life in some way. I also hope you know that I will not sit here and preach to you about being "good," because often times in my own life, I fall short of that.

God says that thinking something wrong is just as bad as doing it. this makes a lot of sense when you look at our justice system: there are two things which must be present in order to convict a criminal:

1."Actus Reus" ("Wrongful Act")
2."Mens Rea" ("Guilty Mind").

I know in my own heart before God that I have committed many "wrongful acts" against other people. In times of great discouragement, I have discouraged others. In times of great hurt, I have hurt others. And sometimes, just because I am selfish and self-centered, I have let down those that I love.

I also know all about my "guilty mind" (you don't because it is inside my head.) I'm sure that if it was possible for you to know what I think about by times, and ideas I roll around in my own brain, you probably wouldn't want to read my Blog. I once heard someone say to just imagine if at the end of your life that your thoughts were going to be played up on a movie theatre screen for everyone to watch...my first thought was "YIKES!" I wouldn't leave much of a Legacy, because I can say without a doubt that there would not be too many honorable things to watch on that screen.

The beauty of this is knowing Christ. One who is pure, spotless and undefiled. One who comes into your heart (when you allow Him too), and implants thoughts of His love, His grace, His joy, and His peace into your mind. It is something I know that I can't attain on my own because half of the time my mind is a disgusting mess. But when I fix my thoughts on Him and all that He has done for me, all those other thoughts pale in comparison.

Not only that, but at Bible study last night we talked about the fact that God who knows everything is also capable of not remembering things:

Hebrews 8:12 says:
"For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more."

Have you ever made a mistake and hurt someone? They tell you that they have forgiven you, but then they keep bringing it up again!?

The beautiful thing about the Lord is that He NEVER does this. It is not necessary. He is the only one who can truly "forgive and forget." He does this for our sake and for our sanity. There are mistakes I have made, moments in my life, things I have read and things I have looked at that will always be in my mind. That will replay and try and convict me. But when the Lord Jesus died on the cross for all my sins and for all your Sins, He cried the three most beautiful words I have ever heard {apart from "I Love You"] those words are:

"IT IS FINISHED." (John 19:30)

"As you save me from the gloom
I know without you...

I would be a loser, a criminal mind
A sad case and a waste of your time
A loser, deaf, dumb, and blind
But with you I'm alive...

I try to hide from you
This plank in my eye
But you make a black sky blue
You love me and you sympathize..."
-Adam Watts

The Rock that Remains

2011-04-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

"You did WHAT?"

The Doctor looked at me half annoyed and half amazed.

"I did it for the kids," I said, "they were all watching and cheering me on, so I went to the top."

Then came the next part that I was waiting for:

"You really shouldn't be climbing rock walls Kali, no wonder you are in so much pain."

(I've been told "no" by Doctors all my life when it comes to sports, running, dancing, anything athletic).

Then he advised me not to rock climb again. I was surprised he didn't tell me to try something safer like painting my nails (but I can't do that either because I bite them down till they hurt. It's a habit I've had since I was five, but it makes playing the guitar, piano...and rock climbing much easier.)

I was in High school when the Doctor told me not to climb, so I didn't. I didn't touch a rock-wall for a few years.

I've also always been really stubborn and defiant (just ask my Dad!)

So when there was some hype about indoor rock-climbing at the University I decided to try it out.

I bought my own shoes and along with the help of wonderful friends, I learned how to master routes. I'm really not that great at it yet, but I love it. All my life I've been told not to do things because of my leg and I guess I just got tired of it.

I fell off the wall twice this year because my left leg couldn't handle the route I was on and all of a sudden it gave out on me. The worst was when I was doing the splits in the corner trying to straddle two walls. My brother and I go "bouldering" which means there are no harnesses. You hold yourself completely with your own strength and when you get pumped out...well, you fall. Just like I did. Thankfully I pushed myself away from the wall when I went down and didn't get my face knocked off. I also didn't get hurt. I got up smiling.

But inside I was shaking...

Maybe I shouldn't do this, maybe the Doctor was right.

Every time I walked over to a wall after that I would start shaking, my palms would start to sweat and I'd jump off and give up.

This reminds me of life, this is why I love to climb:

When things get hard, we get scared, we get hurt, we give up. When God lets us down and doesn't come through, we jump off the wall of faith. It's impossible to climb when you're scared to fall (because sometimes the two go hand in hand.)

I've been knocked off the wall of faith so many times. Sometimes I get right back on, smiling. While other times I get knocked down so hard that my insides feel like they want to be on the outside. The experience is too painful and I don't understand why God would allow me to fall.

But from climbing I understand why, because after I fall, I get hurt, I get scared...once I finally get enough courage to get back on the wall, it is the best feeling! Because I had to fight for it. I had to work for it.

I used to get so shaken up by the world, by other people, by theories, by debates, by all these things that would try and knock me off the wall. People would laugh at my faith, make fun of me for reading the Bible and sometimes they succeeded in knocking me off the wall. But every time I've been knocked down, I've gotten up stronger. As I write this, I know I'll probably get knocked down again, but when your faith is real, it's worth fighting for.

Rock-climbing takes a great deal of focus. The guys (who climb much better than I do) have always told me to focus on that last hold, that rock at the top. My heart is fixed on that rock, because at the end of the day, He is the Rock that Remains.

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety." -Psalm 18:2
"We have to believe it enough that it changes how we live."
— Francis Chan

I Was Born Broken

2011-04-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

I was born broken,

Because I was born with a Physical Disability?

No.

Because I was born with a Heart Disability...

A heart that rejected God and wanted to go its own way.

A heart that chose to chase things,

and to curse His name.

A heart that told me to believe in myself

Instead.

A heart that told me God was out to get me

to fill my life with

commandments and rules

regulations

and guilt...

I am thankful that I was born with a "broken" (weak) leg

because it reminds me everyday

that I was born with a broken heart as well.

I can see my leg, its small size

(in comparison with the other)

I can touch it

I can't see my heart, but I can feel it

I can't see God, but I can feel Him

I can feel his Son healing my broken heart...

Because healing is a process.

Jesus did not come for perfect people,

He came for broken people,

because He would be broken Himself.

He allowed hands to buffet Him,

to bruise Him.

to break Him.

He knows all about brokenness

He knows all about my brokenness

Yet He loves me still

and that's why I love Him.

"When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

-Mark 2:17

"Then did they spit in His face, and buffeted Him; and others smote Him with the palms of their hands..."

Matthew 26:67

A Heart Fully Alive

2011-04-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

My last post was about "more energy," but for a brief moment I want to talk about "more life." I wrote previously about putting food that is "alive" into your system (ie: fruits & veggies) as opposed to food that is dead (ie: cupcakes). If you are lost and just started reading this, take a glance at the last post called "Want More Energy?" and then we'll be on the same page!

It amazes me the amount of times I have sprawled out for hours in front of the television or curled up and spent hours on my laptop because I had a long day and believed I deserved a break. I think that "break" is actually a very appropriate word for this (but more on that later...)

After countless hours of reading about other people's lives (such as celebrities or friends on Facebook) and scrolling through endless amounts of photos; I have never gotten up feeling revitalised and full of life. I have never spent hours watching movies (I don't have television channels) and reading magazines and felt like I was raring to go out and conquer the world.

Instead, I felt lifeless.

Why?

Because I was observing, reading or in a sense "living" the lives of other people. Admittedly, some times I find this easier as opposed to living my own life.

Our culture is lifeless. What do I mean? Just look around you...how many people smile when you walk by them, sit next to them on the bus or wait in line with them at the grocery store. How many people do you see with shining eyes and hearts so full of passion for something that it is practically seeping out of their ears!

Sadly, not many.

Why?

Because many of us have been broken. Many of us have been lulled to sleep by entertainment. Many of us wish we could be anyone else but ourselves.

I read a book once that talked about having a heart that is "fully alive." That sounded very appealing to me because when a person's heart is alive, people notice! It shows from the inside out.

I can't help but think of the words of Jesus who said:

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)

If you constantly fill your mind with "dead" things (ie: entertainment) the life of your heart is slowly sucked away. We were created to live passionate, beautiful, purposeful lives, yet so many of us settle for so much less. I'm not telling you not to sit in front of the TV or the computer; but it is something that has become so normal for us that it's easy to loose sight of the fact that we were created for so much more.

The Bible (God's word) is described as the "Living Word" and for those of you who have experienced the life in it's pages, you know what I'm talking about! You always come away from it feeling revitalized and refreshed! This is because Scripture shows you what your heart is really like and causes you to step back and re-examine it for a bit; as opposed to numbing it by spending another 2 hours scrolling through the "Daily Newspaper" of everybody's lives on Facebook. I love Facebook as well, so I'm not knocking that either, but 5 minutes spent in the presence of God has refreshed and renewed my mind and heart more than 5 hours of entertainment ever has.

"Somehow we have overlooked the fact this treasure called the heart can also be broken, has been broken, and now lies in pieces down under the surface. When it comes to habits we cannot quit or patterns we cannot stop, anger that flies out of nowhere, fears we cannot overcome, or weaknesses we hate to admit--much of what troubles us comes out of the broken places in our hearts crying out for relief.

Jesus speaks as if we are all brokenhearted. We would do well to trust His perspective on this."
— John Eldredge (Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive)

Want More ENERGY?

2011-04-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the bus after a long day at work with about a million things I had to do rolling over in my mind. A friend came and sat down next to me and I happily greeted her with a hug. She was apparently worn out from a long day as she slumped into the seat and set her purse on her knees.

She sighed, looked at me and said "how is it that you always have SO much energy? (she knew that I was working two jobs at the time and going to University as a full-time student.)

"I had three cups of coffee today and I'm so tired...do you drink coffee?" she asked.

"No. If I do it is only once in awhile as a treat."

"WHAT??" she looked at me in disbelief. "Then how do you do it?"

I can tell you that there is one good thing about having gone through a horrible pit of depression. I didn't always have enough energy to conquer the world (I still don't!) But when I was going through horrible withdrawals from the medication that I was on, I decided it was time to give my daily habits a makeover.

Around that time a friend dropped a book in my lap called "FIT FOR LIFE." The title alone was daunting and I was never one to read "diet books." I read through the entire book one night when I couldn't sleep because of the withdrawals and body aches I was having. I discovered that this wasn't a diet book, it was more of a "common sense" book. I felt silly after reading it because the message was really quite simple.

It was something like: If you want to feel ALIVE and energetic...put foods into your body that are ALIVE and not dead...

Namely, fresh fruits and veggies. Fruit often upset my stomach, but I learned from this book that fruits and vegetables are designed to go through our systems at a rapid rate (which provides more energy because our bodies don't have to waste time trying to break them down, like they would with a "dead" cupcake.) I also learned that if you eat big meal and then consume some fruit, your stomach often gets upset because the meal you ate is passing slowly through your body, while the fruit just wants to pass right on through. It actually made a lot of sense to me. They recommended eating your fruit in the morning BEFORE you consume any other foods for the day. So I tried it.

The result after about a week of eating fresh fruits for breakfast (as much fruit and any kind I wanted!) my energy skyrocketed. After a couple weeks I started to crave fruit in the morning. It was much easier to go for my morning run and fruit has not upset my stomach since.

It didn't go on some crazy diet, all I did was change my eating habits a bit. I think that God knew what He was doing when he designed fruits and vegetables to energize, revitalize, and clean out our systems. I still LOVE sweets, but I don't crave them as much as I used to because I get a lot of natural sugars from the fruits I consume. I'm also not telling you to not drink coffee, I'm just leaving you with a little secret that worked for me then (and still does now). Coffee is different for everyone but it makes me shaky so I avoid it and stick with Green Tea. The beauty of fruits and veggies is that you can pig out on them (like I do!) and not feel sick later.

I have a few other energy tips up my sleeve but I'll save them for another time.

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well." -Psalm 139:14

Lonely and I Just Don't Care

2011-04-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

I just feel compelled to write about one of the loneliest times in my life. I would rather not be time specific but I will say it happened sometime during my four years of University. I used to skip classes quite frequently (I'm not even sure how I managed to pass all my courses at that time).

It was winter and it was extremely cold outside, but I didn't feel it. I remember on what the radio was calling the "coldest day of the year" I skipped class again and I went for a two hour walk. There was not ONE person who was not in a vehicle or in a building. I was the only one careless enough to go for a walk on such a day. I wrapped my scarf around my face so all that was visible were my eyes. and I walked and walked, my body numbing with every step.

I remember people driving by looking at me in disbelief, but I didn't care...I really could not feel anything at that time in my life, there was no emotion left inside me. I felt hollow and hardened at the same time. When I left class that day I didn't care if I froze to death. Not only that, but while I was walking and the cars were zipping by I had thought of just "accidentally" tripping into the middle of the road. I was tired of feeling like this.

I was also tired of people telling me that God would just work everything out, that every thing was going to be okay. They didn't know, they weren't me and they had no idea what I was feeling. I remember wishing that those lovely people would just SHUT UP! I also remember telling God to do the same because at that time I had taken my Bible and thrown it across the room. I couldn't even remember the last time that I had read it.

I walked back to my apartment and when I started taking off my layers I could see how red my skin was. No wonder people were looking at me like I was crazy. I popped a couple pills and crawled into bed (this was a pretty normal thing for me to do at the time). I hated being awake because being awake meant feeling, it meant thinking, it meant remembering, it meant all kinds of things. I should also mention that there were days when I was feeling so down and out that I would take a sleeping bag, crawl inside and curl up on the floor, practically under my bed. I guess something about being all zipped up made me feel safe. And I would sleep and sleep.

I couldn't even prepare a meal at the time, it was like some sort of foreign concept to me. Every time I would try I would just end up on the floor crying because I figured the food would just make me fat anyways (and all my clothes were already getting to tight), so I'd end up crawling back into my sleeping bag. Showering was also the last thing on my mind. I couldn't feel the cold or hunger pains, nothing, sometimes I wondered if I was even breathing. Some days I wished I wouldn't wake up.

I'm telling you this because I know that there are girls reading this who have told me that they look up to me. I have told them not to do that. I would rather be sitting next to you, not standing above you. I would rather look you straight in the eyes and tell you that I really don't understand why life is so hard sometimes. That I really don't have it all together. That some days I still fall apart.

I would also tell you that it's okay to ask God "why?" David who was called a "man after God's own heart" did this very thing:

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent." -Psalm 22:1-2

In Pursuit of a Prostitute

2011-04-08T23:02:00.000-07:00

"And she shall follow after her lovers, but she shall not overtake them;
and she shall seek them, but shall not find them..." -Hosea 2:7

Can you imagine entering into a relationship with someone knowing that they were going to be unfaithful to you?

I sat in a coffee shop this week working on some final papers. Two men at a table next to me were having a heated discussion (actually only one of the men was fired up) the other man just sat there with his head resting on his palm, nodding and listening.

The man with smoke coming out of his ears was furious about the fact that one of his friends had slept with his wife. It was actually a very personal conversation, I felt that he should keep his voice down but I guess he thought the whole coffee shop needed to know how angry he was.

He went on to talk about his former friend saying "there are just some things you DO NOT forgive, you can't forgive that."

I would tell you that my heart went out to the man, but soon after he and his buddy started joking about it (while adding in a few "F" words here and there.) Still, I saw the look on the man's face when he got up to leave, joking was part of the front he was putting on for his buddy, but from what I could see, he looked destroyed.

There is a man in the Bible named Hosea who married a woman that kept running after other lovers. His name is Hosea (there's a book named after him!) If you have ever thought that the Bible is boring...think again, you just have not read enough of it. Hosea's pursuit of his unfaithful wife is also a picture of God pursuing His unfaithful people. They keep running to other "lovers" for fulfillment and He keeps calling them back to Himself.

The book of Hosea is fascinating and I would like to talk about it some more...You'll just have to keep reading!

"And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD."
-Hosea 2:19-20

Out From Under the Blanket

2011-04-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

I sat with my hands wrapped around my knees trying not to make a sound under the thick navy blue blanket. It was cold in the basement behind the deep freezer. My brother was with me and we could hear someone pounding on the door of our house. It sounded like he was going to break it down. Our baby-sitter was frantic, we could hear her footsteps above us as she tried to get someone on the phone. We lived in the middle of a big city at the time. When the banging began I could see the terror in my baby-sitter's eyes, she grabbed both of us, ran into the basement, moved the deep freezer and told us to get behind it then threw a blanket over us.

My young mind knew that this was not one of our typical games of hide and seek. We were hiding for real this time. I was scared if that man got in he was going to hurt us. So we did NOT move. I can still remember exactly how I felt while trying not to tremble under that big old blanket.

The good news is that he eventually went away and we were left unharmed. Incidents like this were not uncommon where we lived. My mom still remembers another time when she was home alone with my brother and I and Daddy was at work. This time a man came to our door with a hammer in his hand...no work truck, nothing else, just a hammer.

***

A friend from University once told me that she always thought God was up there with "...a big hammer in His hand just waiting to punish us every time we did something wrong." What a flawed picture of the One who lovingly created us, fashioned us and gave us life from His very own breath. I've also been asked how I know that Jesus loves me, and what it means to have a relationship with Him as opposed to being religious...

"...but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees [religious leaders] brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst, they said to him, "this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:1-7

The passage goes on to say that NONE of the men could throw stones at her because all of them (no matter how religious they were) knew that they had their own faults and failures and that they were NO better than this woman.

This is one of the passages that helped me to stop hiding from Jesus. He refused to let any man throw a stone at her, he refused to let any man hurt her. He knew her heart and the things that hurt her inside, He also knew the reasons behind all her mistakes and all her mess-ups. Just like He knows mine. Just like He knows yours.

In short that is why He died for me on the cross, that is why He died for you. Perhaps you've heard about Jesus' death a million times, perhaps you haven't, perhaps you think it was just a joke...a story to instill guilt...

Not at all.

"But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed." Isaiah 53:5.

God says in His word that the payment for sin is death (Romans 6:23) and Christ died to pay for all of it. All my mistakes all my mess-ups and all of yours. When I accepted the Lord Jesus and realized what He did for me, I understood that just like the woman who was supposed to be stoned, He protected me. When God looks at me in light of what His Son did, He doesn't see my sin, instead He sees His Son:

"...But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you..." John 8:9-11

I know how it feels to be scared to let someone in, but please don't try and hide from Him. He wants to be your hiding place instead.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty." -Isaiah 53:5

Am I Beautiful? (Part II)

2011-04-07T05:57:00.000-07:00

A thought for today:
Ladies, when did we lose it? When did we lose the definition of real beauty? Do you even know what "beauty" is anymore?

I was reading this morning about some beautiful women in Scripture. It is interesting that they are described as being "fair" to look upon.

Just for fun I looked up this definition of fair (you may be thinking light hair and light skin) but this is not what I'm referring to. These women were head turners:

Fair: "of pleasing appearance, especially because of a pure or fresh quality..."

Did you ever notice that the majority of models and famous women dress and act the same? I've been thinking about this for awhile and I think that as women we have lost our "freshness." I am not speaking of something which I know nothing about, I will give you an example:

I once had a young man say to me that he "LIKED" the fact that I wore my sweater zipped up all the way. He found it "refreshing." He was used to being around girls who always showcased their bodies. It was easy for him to sit, talk and laugh with me because my appearance was not making his mind wander.

Am I saying we should be covered from head to toe? Nope. I'm just saying it has been my experience that although we think guys like it when we throw ourselves at them, it is actually quite the opposite. I have received comments from other men as well, I had no idea they noticed "fashion" but apparently they do, especially when you look lovely as opposed to looking like every other woman on magazine covers at the grocery store.

Just a thought.

"and the woman was fair and beautiful..." -Esther 2:7

My Heart in Your Hands

2011-04-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

I am working towards a publication. I cannot disclose the details as of yet, but if there is enough interest this may be a possibility. Please go to the "Entreat Me Not" Facebook page and hit the LIKE button if this is something you may be interested in:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Entreat-Me-Not/194487080586745

Am I Beautiful? (Part I)

2011-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

A twelve year old girl went on "Yahoo Answers" and asked the question "am I beautiful?" This broke my heart. She received numerous responses and most people said that she was too young to be worried about that sort of thing. Some of the guys were bold and said that she should get contacts and fix her hair. Some said she wasn't beautiful. There was a pile of answers.

As I was reading I thought to my self: she is not too young, as most of us begin asking this question at a very young age. For me it was when I would put on a cute little frilly dress (my Mom LOVED frills) and asked "Daddy am I pretty?"

I enjoyed ballet because it was beautiful.

I liked dolls because they were beautiful.

In junior high I couldn't stand certain girls because they were beautiful.

In the age of flawless, superficial beauty that we live in, it is not a wonder that a little girl would ask such a big question.

Girls much older than this twelve year old ask this question ALL the time, (mostly with the way we dress.) I struggled with this and I do not want to offend anyone because I can admit that I do not have the perfect wardrobe. Why is it that we feel that we have to show off our bodies? We are longing to hear someone say that we are "beautiful" and if we can't get the word "beautiful" out of someone's mouth, than the words "sexy" or "hot" will do. When we leave the house half-dressed it's like we are begging for our beauty to be recognized.

This young girl who posted her picture on "Yahoo" and asked whether or not she was beautiful actually represents the majority of us. We are dying to know: "Am I Beautiful?"

I'll continue this thought tomorrow...

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight..." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Jury Duty? (You Know Those Embarrassing Moments...)

2011-04-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you finally sit down for a few moments and can't help but laugh at yourself? Today was one of those days and just for fun I'll let you to laugh at me as well!

I flew out the door to go to Court this morning. A friend asked me if I was called for Jury Duty. Not quite. I am required to report on trials for a Journalism class so I needed to get there to get some meat for my final paper.

My purse just happened to be extra-stuffed. I knew that I was going to be on campus all day as well becuase of a night class. So I did what I usually do and packed enough fruit and snacks to feed an army. Did I mention that they have to scan your belongings and anything that you may have on your person before you get into the courtroom?

So here I come, up the steps with my over-stuffed purse wearing my University jacket so they'll know that I'm a legit Journalism student.

The police officer told me she would need to look in my bag (no wonder, it was huge!) She pulled out my banana, apples, carrots, cheese, almonds, pretzels, trail mix, granola bars...you get the picture. I explained that I had packed everything as I had a busy day ahead. I also go for a run in the morning so I always need extra to keep me going. She nodded and kept on digging. After she finally got through my portable grocery store she said, "how come this part won't open?"

I looked inside my purse, I must have broken the zipper right off it when I was in a rush this morning because the center compartment (where I keep lip balm, kleenex, hand cream and other feminine things) was sealed shut. My first thought was "oh dear, does she really need to look in there..." I tried to open it and it would not open! It was so tightly sealed that I would later need to cut it open with a pair of scissors and buy a new purse.

Talk about looking suspicious. I tried to frantically explain that there really was just feminine things in there and then of course there were other people starting to line up behind me. I told her I was a journalism student and she looked at my jacket and said "that's fine, you can go in."

Phew!

By law, the officer probably should not have let me in. For all she knew, I was smuggling something in there and the whole thing was staged, university coat and all! But I looked the part so she assumed I was innocent.

Later, I started thinking about the situation and how all she could see was the outside (she couldn't see the inside, not even the inside of my purse!)

But God sees the inside, there is no hiding from Him, no sealing up any compartments. He already knows what is there. This is a relief in a sense because it means that we do not have to frantically try and prove oursleves to Him as I did with this lady.

This thought also caused me to think about how gracious God really is; He sees flaws in me and secrets that no one else sees, yet He loves me still.

Did you ever wonder just how much God loves you and cares about you?

Matthew 10:30 says "...and even the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

I wept the first time I read that verse.

No one ever cared for me like Jesus.

"Oh Lord you've searched me, you know my way. Even when I fail you, I know you love me..."